What are you looking for?
Is anything real?
4 months ago · · Derealization,
I don't know when this started, and I'm not sure if it will end. It's not like it's some on-off switch I can control on command, it just happens
Sometimes, I blink back into my surroundings, and sometimes it feels real. Other times-- most times-- it..it feels like I'm watching somebody else through my eyes.
Does that make sense? I'm not sure. Sometimes I'll see my hands making a move to..perhaps grab my phone, or a book, or..hell, anything. I just see my hands moving-- and in my head there's a voice.
The voice- it isn't saying anything. The voice is there, though. It's quiet until I notice my hands doing something, and suddenly it feels like that voice is telling me "you're on autopilot".
It's like..like someone else is living my life, and I'm watching it through my own eyes, and there's nothing I can do about this feeling, so I just ignore the voice and continue.
What's makes it worse, is I get this feeling a lot when talking. Words are coming out of my mouth, and I *feel* like I was thinking before I spoke; but then a few minutes later, I forget what I even said. I *know* I was talking, and I *know* who I was talking to, but I can't remember what we said-- what I said.
Something is wrong with me, right? I just..I don't know when this started. My freshman year of highschool, I think I felt fine, I have no memories of ever feeling like this.
My sophomore year, I believe, is when this started. That year, it moved by so quickly, maybe that's the reason I can't remember any of it? Or is it because of this feeling?
I've heard this is called derealization, but how can I be sure? It's not like I can talk to anyone about this in my family- they won't understand, they never do. They'll think it's nothing, brush it off, or say that it doesn't make sense.
My friends? Will they even understand, or will they think I'm lying?
It's not my fault I feel like this, right? I just want to stop watching through my eyes like I'm watching a TV show in first person- this is MY life! I just want to stop hearing that little voice in my head-- the one that isn't saying anything at all, but is so loud and says so much!
What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesn't any of this feel real? Will this ever go away? Is anything real?