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Need Advice: multicultural household problem. my tenant wants to impose a "curfew" on me
2 years ago · 1 · Need Advice, +1
350
So, I own an three-bedroom apartment and rent two rooms out. For my part, I don't mind they bring in guests sometimes, when or how many, as long as they don't host screaming loud XXOO drug party behind their doors. It's nice that they inform me of some big events, but a few informal drop-ins are also okay. Like, your BBF calls you at two o'clock in the morning crying that she just broke up with her BF and wants to drink and cry together with someone, or you encounter an interesting person at a party and wish to extend your conversation. Ain't we get our own place just for this kind of things?
Then, here comes to my two roommates A and B. A and me come from a similar culture background, we understand many things in the same way, including house-renting rules. She's been living here for about a year and a half. B is from a different cultural background, we are good friends and she has took care of me in my difficult times. I welcomed her to stay in my apartment when she visited the city. Now Covid hits job market and she's having a hard time, I reduced the rent to almost nothing and took her in since this summer. I could communicate with both A and B, but A and B could barely communicate with each other since they don't speak the same language.
A is an excellent roommate, she's so quiet, clean and respectful, never late on rents. Sadly, she decided to move out of town. So last few weeks she asked her friend C to help. C always comes by at night after work, help her to pack up and sometime share some drinks and chats. Both of them are very quiet person, I live next to A's room and sometimes I forgot we are having guests !Also, last month was the only time I can remember that A has "frequent" guests since she moves in.
A invites me to join in a few times, I then became friend with C. We'd have some very long conversations together and totally forgot time. Then it happens, one night we three gathered in A's room and having a chat, completely forgot the time again. Suddenly, B boomed on the door, we open the door and she spoke with a loud and harsh voice, saying that it's over midnight and she has to go to sleep. We were very mortified, we all apologized since we thought we were too loud and disturbing. Then everyone left at once.
Then it happens again, and things became odd. Two days ago I visited C's place, she stays with a big beautiful family. After dinner we went out to grasp more drinks and snacks, and decided to go to my place, since, it's better to drink in my place than being surrounded by young kids under 7. At least I thought so.
When we arrived at home, I invited B to share a glass with us, she refused upon hearing it was C who visited, with an awkward smile. I did not ask why and went on drinking with C in my room. We are not screaming at all, especially because we were talking about some very personal issues (beside, C is half English, how loud can a English be anyway?). In the meantime I heard B went out. After a long while she went back, boomed on the door again. At first I was surprised because I thought we were not being loud at all, and B's room was at the other end of hallway (beside, we have two bathrooms).
B then spoke with me in a range of strong emotions, her voice was almost trembling, she said that she demands my respect, that I should inform her every time when I'm having a guest come by over midnight, and this is her bottom line.
I was stunned, so I apologized again, then I send C away, felling sorry for her.
Before I own my own place, I haven been living in various places, from college party house to skid-row rabbit hole, maximum ten people in a house. I'm not sure if I have misunderstood it all the times: my understanding of renting out rooms for grow-up adults is, each person pay for their own room and has a share of the public area, but their rooms are their own territory, it's none of anyone's business whatever they do in their rooms, except activities forbidden by law (including LOUD noise voice at night) . And only landlords can impose specific house rules for guests or black-out times.
I could somehow understand B's thinking: back in her country, four to six students live in one dormitory room where privacy does not exist. Your only territory is your bed, which is also subjected to mentor's regular "checking". Therefore, she has very little awareness of private and public space. For her, it is the same between she rents a room and she rents the whole apartment, everything happens in this apartment including other peoples' room concerns her (no discriminations, we speak the same language, so I understand her coming from).
B is my friend, I cannot throw her out at this time. I just want to solve it with her gently. And I'll have a new roommate, I wish to tell her in a friendly way, that I will absolutely not impose her "curfew" onto others, they're adults, and I'm a landlady not an abbess; if they bring in guests into their own rooms, she could tell them to low their voices if they are too loud, but she has no rights to kick their guests out; and she has to respect other people's private space.
Thank you very much for reading, and everything.
Cheers.
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may be it's not like she hates people but may be hearing them walking and talking (specially if one of them is next to her door) can be mildly uncomfortable; My room is very close to a bathroom and next to it there's another room so I can hear clearly everything. The other thing is she might having a hard time around strangers and she feels weird around people so she feel confined into her room until the guests leaves (? dunno if there's a sort of common place in the living room were she can be and enjoy besides her room) it's a matter of talking, gently ask her why she refuses so badly about guests and listen to her explanations; other cultures (latinos for example) find weird having a guest past 10 so may be that's why she feels that way.
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