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An Intro to my thoughts and why youll never get it from me
2 years ago · 1 · Body Dysmorphia, +3
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What its like in my head. Something you wonder because I dont say anything anymore.
Its like its always screaming something. Every action I do somehow comes back to you, and how you broke up with me so easily and with next to no effect on you. Its like its screaming all the things it used to before but now it has your actions sort of re-enforcing it. Im studying I remember small things here and there about us, I decide i cant stay in my room anymore because it reminds me too much of you, so I move to the next place, living room where I remember us having a banter about how that corner seat i love so much was apparently yours whenever you were here. So off to the dining table I am where all i can picture is us running around me trying to chase you or you me. So I take a break from studying go get some coffee from the kitchen where i remember our cooking dates. So I try to push the thoughts away and try to work in the other bedroom. The place with the least memories. But then my parents come home and remind me why I prefer being alone at home. And in the moments where you dont haunt me, Its my own mind. I find the moments where I dont think of you is where I look at myself with hate in the mirror, or crying over being me. Or thinking about how when I study Anatomy ALL THE ways i can self harm without killing myself. But then the crippling body dysmorphia takes over and NO NO I CAN NOT HAVE MORE SCARS. When you talk to me about you getting high, all I can think about it how I wish I were on drugs to drown out the pain and it would be easy for me to get it too. But knowing what it can do apart from that, is why despite everything I dont even touch the joints people offer me upfront because rationally I know ill drown in it once I start even when I know its not the solution. All this screams loud in my head in addition to a voice telling me Im just pretending and making it all up. The only moments I used to have any peace was when I used to lie next to you. My old coping mechanism before you? Shows. Now those are another source of lingering memories and unresolved feelings. So my body defends itself from all that pain by a deafening ringing in my ear.
So no. I can never tell you what runs in my head even when you ask me time and time again because I cant risk losing you because I havent yet moved on from our attempt of best friends who loved each other. But also because you dont help me when I tell you I literally want to kill myself at times...
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