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I've been in a relationship for 3 years, and still though all of it I have my issues and my trauma. I try and work through it by myself but sometimes when I get really tired it all comes out at once. Every night around 10 o'clock my boyfriend calls me to say goodnight and sometimes everything is fine and we talk for a bit and then we go to bed, and sometimes I get my intrusive thoughts that come in. As we are talking I start to think about the things I expect too much of from him and how he can't live up to those because those thoughts aren't possible to achieve. Then I begin to hate myself because why would I even think about it in the first place. Like I want him to stay up with me and my thoughts even though I know he has to get up at 5am and go to work. I want him to come here in the middle of the night even though I know he can't. I want him to talk to me all night so that my thoughts can't get the better of me like they are right now. But I can't ask him to do those things. I can't expect him to stay up even when he is tired and he wants to sleep instead of dealing with me because god do I want to do the same. I wish I could sleep because then I would be able to get away from myself for a little while. And when I wake up I can feel that moment of peace right before everything hits me like a train going 100 miles per hour. and yeah maybe I was just having a panic attack over it. There wasn't a big enough reason to have a panic attack. Because He said everything is fine. He's been saying it for months and I know he's just trying to help but it doesn't help. I still feel as lost and as hopeless as I always do. Why does it always end like this?
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If everything hits you like a fast train a minute after you wake you have too much going on in your life, or you are looking at too much with a negative attitude. After your night time phone call with your boy friend play relaxation music, lie in your bed and while breathing deeply relax yourself all over starting from your toes and slowly going up to your head not forgetting your jaw. Then imagine that you are drifting along a river on a raft and you are warm, relaxed, and comfortable. Keep imagining that you are drifting along a river. When any other thoughts come into your head push them away. Do this instead of having wishful unrealistic thoughts about your boy friend being with you. This doesn't always have to be about drifting along a river. It can be floating on a cloud in the sky or floating in the sea, a pool, or a lake. Try to look at the things in your life in a more positive way.
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