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Today was the first day I feel like I woke up, like really WOKE UP. It's like i've been in a blurred state just barely making it from one day to the next, this has been going on for the past 3 or 4 years now. I realised that my depression, anxiety, constant stress and state of worry or panic has majorly stemmed from one thing, my family. I have a horrible, awful fantasy of what my family is, that they are supposed to protect you and teach you and always be there for you but in reality, especially in my reailty that is just that, a fantasy. There is only a small amount of families who are truly willing to put themselves second in order to care or provide for someone else. My Mum and my sister especially, they have this narrative that I am the same person I was 10 years ago, well i'm not! I'm now 22 years old, a mother of soon to be 3 kids, i have a husband whom i love dearly and we have a house, our own furniture, we have a car, we can put food on the table but for some reason i never feel like any of it is enough. I feel like i'm slowly wasting away and life will never change and that i am destined to be stuck in this void forever. well I'm choosing to change that, im choosing myself and my husband and kids over my family. I was raised with such deep family values, that family was the be all and end all of life but the older i get the more i realise my family has mentally and phsiycally fucked me in more ways than i can count. Money, relationships, work ethic, that isn't anything we are born with, yes we can have an interal drive to succeed or a lack there of but we are SHOWN how to act, how the treat people, how to treat ourselves, I was abused by my father for years phsycially and verbally and my mother stood by and did nothing but act like it wasn't happening, I turned to teenage boys for attention as I didn't recieve attentiion and love from my parents, that lead me down such a dark path with self esteem issues, constantly trying to people please, putting myself last, my health, my happiness, getting myself into situations where i was unsafe and uncomfortable all because i was never taught that i am enough. I was never taught about money or credit or that literally everything you do in life hurts or benefits your credit score, money was a secret, a dirty secret in my family, no one talked about it. Money was the equvilant of VOLDEMORT in my house, you never asked for it, you never asked your parents how much they earn, how much they owe, no one showed me about taxes or wages or what is an acceptable wage in a job or rights about money. I was never given the basic knowledge needed to go out into the world as a young adult and not fail. I was set up to fail, 100%. I was never told to be careful, instead i was bubblewrapped and told if i do anything i will either end up hurt or dead. I wasnt able to go with friends on vaccations, nor with my own family because we didnt have any money, but instead of my parents telling me we couldnt afford it they told me i have been bad or naughty and didnt deserve it. they would tell me to 'suck it up' if i was being bullied at school and ask " well what did you do to provke them" like it was unimaginable that I could simply be walking through the school grounds and have girls screaming at me "you're a slut", "non one likes you", "go die bitch" all because the boys that they liked, liked me instead of them. teenage girls are horrible man, especially when the boys they like are involved. It didn't matter what anyone did to me, it only mattered what I did back, or if i said anything in return, then of course my mum would pay attention but only to tell me that i shouldnt have said anything or done anything to make someone call me such horrible names. Maybe i should have tried harder to kill myself when i had the chance, instead of sit in my room at 14 years old cutting myself as a scream for attention that maybe my parents would take seriously. if they saw exactly how they were hurting me , because no one can see the hurt and damage they do to your soul but they can see it when you carve it on your skin. but still, my mother wanted to lock me away in a mental hospital, have someone else deal with me, maybe medicate me to the point where i cannot eat by myself anymore. I could never understand why me, but when something bad would happen I burried it, because i had only ever known pain, and rejection, and disappintment. I had never know empathy or compassion, i had never had an adult sit me down and tell me that i am not the problem, that it wasnt my fault, that my feelings were in fact valid! i , as a 13 year old child would sit alone in my bedroom cutting my skin to show the world how much it was hurting me and instead i was told to cover it up and called ill and sick and that there was something seriously wrong with me. Man if they ever figure out time travel the first thing I am doing is going back to when i was 13 years old and i am going to hug her tighter than i have ever held anyone, I am going to tell her that she is incredible and perfect and amazing and beautiful, she igsists to bring 3 beautiful babies into the world and to show the world just how special she is, she is not on this planet to meet the standards of anyone else, she is not meant to fit into the goddamn coookie cutter moulds that everyone tells her she needs to fit into. She needs to invest time into herself and stop thinking that her family is the most important thing in the world because I have my own family now and I goddamn know that i will die for my children, that i will always build them up, teach them, learn with them, allow them to speak, give them a voice, let them make their own choices and support them but most importantly love them and be proud of them for getting up everyday and living because that shit if fucking hard. Today is the day I choose me, its the day I put me and my children first and I don't let anyone get in my way or tell me or make me feel things I don't want to feel. I am a powerful woman and i will be strong for the rest of my life and give my strength to my children and i will raise powerful humans to bring about love and happiness, i will not back down, i will push onward.
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Schools should teach kids how to budget money as the parents don't. Kids in high school should be given fake household bills, fake cash, and fake credit cards and a fake wage and taught how to pay these bills. They should be taught the difference between rent and a mortgage with interest and what interest is. But all kids have to enter the adult world with a blank mind when it comes to these things.
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