—The part where I shut up?

III.

— It's not okay, it totally isn't. Why do I keep thinking it is? I fucked it up. First month of this supposedly better year but here I am. I'm not blaming anyone but neither was it all my fault. I realized that I keep avoiding the things I shouldn't. That I should've faced with open fucking arms like it was a warm hug, but instead of the former, it's all straight-up cold wind of possibilities I avoided because I'm too scared to let it pass through me, I craved so much warmth that I hid over mountains of blankets as a shield.

It was right before my eyes, but I was... unready, so I ran, I turned a blind eye and purposely left it there, and fuck, I don't know what 'it' is but that I'm going to figure soon.

Suck it up huh. "neither was it my fault" really contradicts the statements I say next after it.

—I accept the changes, I acknowledge the improvements, but it shouldn't be like this. I'm not changing for something right, well, half. I keep trying to prove a point with myself that I just end up losing. I need to do something about this. I need to start, I need—no, I want to. I want it, and it will happen. I'm not just gonna try, I'm going to.

—I can do this... right?

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