A bigger plan apparently

This is literally just me being sleep deprived and pissy, sry in advance but that is the whole point

We were in church today, for like a kservice or whatever and they're like. Ok prayer time, something something, pastor wife[who i used to know, but like literally everyone, she also has stopped acknowledging us after moms passing] so she has cancer, which has been off and on for the past years and now its worse and i feel bad for her but i also really want to stand up during those parts of service and ask why? Why ask god for help if he wont always give it? Whats the fuxking point? If he can do it, then why not.

I know iys been 4 fukcing years but it annoys me still. Sometimes ppl will start preaching and they'll go like 'if you are fully invested in god, you will be healed of everything' or some shit and it pisses me off. My mom was fucking the best, sbe loved god. She even ran the fucking womans ministry so whu the fuck, why the actual fuck do you think that just becuase you fucking decoted your fucking life. Eans you'll survive?

I dont want anyone to die, specially not in painful ways as they sometimes do, but i dont want ppl to be disappointed when it happens. I dont want them 5o feel the heartbreak of knowing god coulve saved them but didnt, cuz 'oh its part of a bigger plan'

Bullshit

Fucijng bullshit.

No one should have to lose a mom cuz of some 'bigger plan' at the age of 16 14 12 8 and 6, no one should have to ve sent off on a sucky ass camping trip so they dont have to 'deal with more stress' only to have their last convo with their mom be ocer a god damn phone call. They shouldnt come home only to find out they couldnt hug their mom goodbye cuz now their moms gone and all they got was a stipud phone call

They shoudlnt have to watch as their family falls apart and their dad gets a new girlfriend and as they slip behind in grabes and as their older sister becomes more and more distant and an underage drinker who peer pressures them so now they dont know if they'll ever trust her again

An dit funcing sucks.

I dont want anyone to be disappointed and heartbroken. Sometimes these divine beings we worship so much arent always going to help. No matter how much you prayed and cried and begged.

And its pointless to try.

Not that yoy have to stop trying.

You can. I just wont.

And thats fine. Cuz after all, what am i but just a pawn in a bigger plan?

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