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I write stuff like this not because its noble or cool but more so because when i stare into paras like these i feel like the paragraph stares back at me and i yearn for that feeling. Kids nowadays call it a dopamine rush ig? At least thats what i feel.
Words hurt? I'm sure this is the most generic thing you guys have ever read but i cant describe it better right now. My thoughts are being scrambled as I'm typing right now maybe because a part of me doesn't want it to be shared maybe deep down I'm still scared I'm still scared of the things that might never affect me. People come and go its just how it is. Memories fade away thats what memories are there for right? It's just an induced rush of euphoria thats all right??? Then why does this specific memory keep me up at night. Why is this the only memory i cant get rid of. I feel like screaming but I'll wake people up, I feel like if i scream I lose and it wins. Those words dont leave my head, that text doesn't leave my head, it wont leave me the fuck alone. It lingers in the back of my head crawling over my brain, it crawls ever so slowly creeping over my neurons over my brain over my membranes waiting, waiting for the perfect time to spread. My mind thinks it won, it thinks it could go back to normal where peace and tranquility would bring me euphoria like it used to but it's always wrong. It's never gone. These moments of happiness i enjoy, i hear it laughing in the back of my head, laughing knowing it's going to ruin everything. I came out into a better place but with every memory i feel dragged back in to that cycle once again. Still no matter the lies and no matter how insensitive that text was, i dont blame them. I blame myself for ever trusting them.
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