Big star read it now don’t miss

I used to have such big dreams I’d get famous or just reach a lot of people. Have a following. I don’t even use social media because I think it’s kind of silly and primarily most people are projecting fake images or at least very altered versions of their reality on there. But, you can’t really be of significance and have a following without much of a social media presence now a days, can you?

Maybe you can, but I don’t have much of a following or reputation of success in the real world either. One way to look at this is I’m only 30 and I’ve made tons of mistakes, maybe in the next two decades I can really start lighting shit up and stepping into my own, maybe I will still carry a message that people need to hear and is original or fresh or something like that. Another way to look at this is, I’m 30 and I’ve quit a lot of things I’ve started and been a drug addict and been suicidal and not really accomplished shit, why would I think for one second that I have something important to say or show the world? Lol.

Now I have two kids too. And naturally, by definition in my opinion, to meet the basic requirement of being decent human being and maybe being a good dad, I’ve gotta spend a lot of time with these little kids, and they’re exhausting, draining, and pretty much calling all the shots at the end of the day.

So, I mean, where’s my time to finish school, get a degree, hash out what I’m even supposed to be doing in the world and what I think it is that’s constantly nagging at me that makes me important in some way shape or form or something? I think it’s all just a pipe dream now. If I did have some destiny of speaking or leading a movement like sometimes this voice in my head whispers I was or am, I think I missed the boat over the last few binges and suicide attempts I had 2018 - 2021.

Sober for damn near a year now, taking meds consistently, going to substance counseling, mental health therapy, and trying to kick my 20 year porn addiction at the same time. Shits still not enough. I’m still failing. I’m still fighting. I’m still feeling like most days are lost and wasted and moving me nowhere. What the fuck. Please god help me even want to keep going on with these attempts at bettering myself. Please forgive me for all those times that I begged and begged and begged you to just kill me already. I’m not that same coward anymore. I want to be something, I want to be somebody, but I’m so fucking sick of 10 steps forwards and 100 steps backwards. God, why is it always such an exponential slide backwards after progress is made? It is suffocating. I want to breathe.

Please give me new and fresh air to breathe. I need air. I’m sick of drowning. Show me. Show me what the hell it is I’m here for still. Why. Why am I still here? Show me! Show me!!

Thanks for reading of anybody did haha.

Life is hard. No matter what you believe, where you are, color, creed, etc. life is hard. I don’t think we’re alone though. Everyone is just to damn busy to stop and see what’s really going on. Hit me up, I’m trying to be different than that.

James 1:12