bad

i feel like im drowning in my own thoughts.but at the same time i dont think anything.i have no interst in anything.i look at the phone all the time cuz people in there get my feelings and this makes me feel less lonely.i only have school and i cant even do that .not because i actually cant its bcuz i dont want to.i am so far away from my best version of myself but when i think im 14 years old and its normal.but the most annoying thing is im jealous.im jealous of big friend groups,im jealous of people's pretty faces and body's.im jealous of the way they dont care.im jealous of their feelings.im jealous of their humor.even though im this miserable i like a guy.he is always happy like a kid.i know i only like him cuz i want to fill this emptiness in me.and he does.everytime i see him i feel something is filling me up.i fill up with happines and love.it makes me feel good for a while but at the end it goes away and i stay alone with my own thoughts again.i dont have a confidence so i always get jealous of him.i dont like myself.i know i need to improve myself.maybe doing sport or finding an interest.try to love myself.sometimes i really do.i really do feel good.but then every night i start crying bcuz who i am.