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I'm going through some issues, who isn't? I'm feeling like a terrible human being. I'm a gay 25 year old man. Relatively closeted. I live in a small apartment, earn a tiny salary, rather poor, but not impoverished at least, doing a job that is really difficult and demanding, and dislike the working environment so much. It's constantly making me feel so stupid, though I know I'm not. I know I have to survive. I can't depend on my family any longer. They have spent so much money on me and had such high hopes, though I disappointed them. Went to university and dropped out. I just want to achieve success. Look after my family. Be proud of a life I make for myself. But just feels like I've been in a rut for the past 4 years. I've started drinking excessively again lately, getting drunk by myself. Don't really have any friends. In a drunken state a few days ago I met a guy online. Hooked up, went to some weird sort of sex club, and I feel disgusted. The sex was unpleasant, so was the guy, and the entire situation was just incredibly uncomfortable. I'm not judging the men who enjoy this type of thing, good for them, truly. But it's not me. I feel like I betrayed myself. My values. I don't do this type of thing. I'm a normal, take the trash out, deciding what is for dinner, monogamous loving relationship kind of guy. Though it's been over 2 years that I had a loving relationship. I can't in good conscious expect a decent guy to be in to a loser like me. Feel too embarrassed to invite anyone to my one bedroom apartment. How can I date and look after another if I can't even look after myself........ So to summarize, I feel that I'm letting my family down, that I'm not achieving anything, and that going to that club has made me a dishonorable low class man with no values. God it's a terrible feeling. How can I go through life, holding myself to a high standard, knowing that I'm capable of such depraved actions?
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Hey, you’ve been through a lot. I’m sorry. Just know I’m here if you wanna talk. Things won’t be fine right away, but they will, someday. Until then it’s just humans who can help another human get through difficulties. It’s alright, you’ll do fine someday. Maybe I will too.
ReplyYou are doing your best and you are feeling stuck. How are you letting anyone down? Sometimes your options aren’t great and that’s the reality. If you are closeted, working hard with not much social life there won’t necessarily be lots of opportunities to meet people. Be more gentle with yourself. Work out what you do want for yourself and practical realistic changes you can make to help you in that direction. Sending love 💙
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