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I am beginning to feel loneliness in my guts. I tremble at the thought of being alone, by my own choice, by my own inability and fear. Finally I feel loneliness; I am young and I should not feel comfortable not interacting with people. But I do feel uneasy when I do. I feel that I am not suitable for certain situations, certain conversations, certain people. I don't know what to say, what to answer. All the thoughts that go through my mind seem trivial, inappropriate and poor compared to their conversations. It is so easy for them to answer, to make jokes, to laugh, to understand each other.
I should listen more, put more effort into understanding other people's responses. YES maybe I should do that. But my response? My mind goes in slow motion and I feel like I'm bloody ignorant, one of my worst fears.
I met new people at university. I thought I got on well with them, we had quite a few interesting conversations, to which I myself made contributions. I didn't feel judged, at least not too much. Maybe a bit out of place, but that always happens to me. Then we meet in the evening and hardly anyone remembered my name. One girl in the group is called like me, she already knew them, and even those who didn't know remembered her name. Then one of them at the end of the evening came out and said that he never heard me speak, which I obviously did. I certainly wasn't the life of the party, but I participated, in my own way. Then two others in the middle of a conversation decided to whisper to themselves, ignoring me completely. I thought all these paranoia existed only in my head: my poor speech, my cadence, my closedness, which makes it impossible for people to open up to me. What am I doing wrong? I'm tired of being this kind of person, I'm dragging myself through life. I don't know what to say, what to do, how to behave, how to touch, how to hug. I thought I had improved, but I still feel like a 13 year old. I feel out of proportion, fat, big, unfeminine, stupid, incapable, terribly out of place. I know I'm not a monster, and I've been told by a fair amount of people that I'm an attractive girl but that sensation of inadequacy keeps coming back. My belief is that if I wasn't there, nothing would change. For them, in these evenings would have just as much fun, maybe even more. They wouldn't have the burden of my shameful existence haunting them. They wouldn't have to make the effort to talk to me, to let me interact with them, to make me feel a little less out of place.
Will I have to live my twenties like this? They move serenely from one person to another, from one conversation to another, slipping between people and relationships in a completely natural way. How do they do it? How did they learn to do this? How can I learn? Experience, I know. It's experience that helps. But we're all the same age, and so far it's me, of all the people I've met, who's furthest down this pyramid of interpersonal skills. I feel infinitesimally behind. How did they overcome their fear of vulnerability? Where did they find the courage to show open up to someone?
Sometimes I think that maybe it's just me who wants to show myself so naked, in all my insecurities. Maybe I am the only one who has decided to present herself to people in all her misery, in all her shortcomings and incapabilities. If it is not genuine, I do not show it. Maybe the secret is to pretend, to pretend that you are not yourself, but a character. So maybe most of them pretend. They pretend to have experience, to know what to do, to have really lived. Surely there might be some who are really like that, but it's not possible for everyone to be like that, not at 19.
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You are too worried as to what people would think of you if you said the wrong thing and you don't have the confidence to open up to people as you should and want. You should gain the confidence as you mix with people so give yourself more of a chance. Remember that there are introverts and you are one of them.
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