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When I was in elementary school, the feeling of someone giving me butterflies in my stomach was so addictive. I didn't fully understand the concept of dating, but I did have my fair share of crushes. One boy in particular, even though we didn't talk to each other much, made me feel super happy whenever he was around. I wanted to impress him, I wanted to make him laugh, and I wanted to know what it would feel like to hold his hand. I grew out of that innocent little crush after we went to different middle schools. I was even more boy crazy during that time. I'm pretty sure everyone else's hormones were bouncing off the walls and making everyone feel funny and wanting to be in their first relationships as soon as possible. I had a crush on almost every boy that was nice to me or made me laugh. I was super awkward and shy around everyone and that was only boosted by 10x when I was around a guy I liked at the time. Eventually, I got my first boyfriend towards the end of 6th grade. Wasn't much a relationship though considering we never saw each other over the summer, rarely talked to each other, and broke up once 7th grade started. A couple months into that grade though and I got my first official boyfriend. I know whoever's reading this is going to judge me, but remember, I was young and boy crazy. My first official relationship was with the twin of my first boyfriend. Was it weird? Yes, for a little while, but again, I never really interacted much with the first guy to begin with. To make a really long story short, my first official relationship lasted 2 years and became the most critical blow to my mental health. The first year was great, it was the honeymoon phase of the relationship. He changed once the second year came around though. He started having more sexual desires and begun using abusive behavior towards me. I was completely lost throughout this part of the relationship. I was too scared to leave because this was my first love and I might not find another, and my life would just become worse if I were to leave because he had enough photos, videos, and information about me to keep me under his control. I started hating myself. I hated how I looked and what I was doing. The struggle I went through was absolute hell and I was so close, on multiple occasions, to just ending it all and disappearing forever. Eventually, I got out, but it wasn't until almost 5 years later that I finally told others about it. In high school, I was still interested in finding someone, but I was a lot more cautious. I had a couple crushes and even got close enough to a few guys to have a little fling go on between us. None of those lasted very long and I was single for majority of my high school life. During that time, I also started figuring out that I had feelings for both boys and girls. I also realized that I was bi for longer than I thought. Liking girls was just a bit more suppressed, but there were definitely moments where girls also gave me butterflies and I just didn't know if that was right or that there was even a term for those feelings. Even with double the options, I remained single until a year after graduation. I'm at the mall with my friends and I get approached by this guy. I've never met him before, he's a couple year older than me, and he just used a cheesy pick-up line to get my number. This was my second official boyfriend. Spent 6 months with him and he was not only a leech, asking me for money every week to spend on a useless currency and skins for a mobile game, nicotine (vapes/mods, juices, cigarettes), and food that made me want to vomit due to the fact he didn't chew it with his mouth closed, but he also displayed behavior similar to my ex. He made me feel bad for giving him "blue balls" and dismissed my emotions and trauma of my past. I know what your thinking, how did I let this guy pass even with all of these red flags? The small part of me that was desperate for love gave me those rose-colored glasses. Luckily, I left that relationship before it could get any worse, but it still left me thinking that I didn't deserve love or happiness. Because I was spiraling and having a rebound was on my mind, I thought, "Why not try online dating? That seems like a good idea!" I swiped left on so many guys and right on ones that I sometimes questioned myself on. I talked with maybe 12 guys in total, went on dates with 4, and finally ended up with one. Before I get to that last one, I want to talk about the others. Aside from the 4 I went out with, majority of the guys I talked to were only interested in hookups, super pretentious or boring, or started out strong, but lost me once they started overstepping boundaries. Within the 4, there was a nerdy guy who was into nintendo and anime, super nice and sensitive, but then he accused me of giving him an std (even though I was tested and clean), there was a super sweet and humble guy, could've had something more with him had he not pushed me away before leaving for work reasons, there was a really interesting guy with multiple hobbies, but I just couldn't click with him and didn't want to lead him on, and then there was this guy who was pretty much the breath of relief that I needed. I'm pretty sure you can tell which one worked out in the end. Within the first day of talking to this guy, I was completely hooked. I wasn't hiding behind a mask, we had similar interests, he was a huge dork, and he acknowledged all of the shit that I had been through. I know it seems like it was too soon, but the next day, we both said "I love you" to each other and officially started dating. It was like I had known him my entire life already. He understood me and wanted nothing more than to be the reason I was happier. We went through so much in a span of almost 10 months and actually ended up getting married. We eloped at a courthouse and are still trying to get our own place to this day. Currently, he's getting ready for deployment, and I'm already missing him so much. I'm convinced that this is the one. I have never felt more safe, loved, and happy. Being around him just makes everything feel so much better. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him. I just know that he would never hurt me the way my exes did, and I would also never want to hurt him that way either. He's the love of my life, and although I would've preferred not to go through the pain of the past, I'm so thankful that he's come into my life now. I love you J.E.S. Thank you for becoming the reason I go through most of my life with a smile now.
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