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Most people including my close friends and family count on me to be strong and presume I’ll ultimately be OK no matter how bad things get.
God, it’s exhausting. I'm so far from OK and it feels like no one cares to help me.
Even when things are good in my life I struggle with clinical major depression and rely on prescription therapy and obsessive focus on exercise to keep on top of it, or worse, self-medication with alcohol and risky behavior. Sometimes that’s the best I can do, is keep it under control. I’m not actually happy or hopeful, just functioning.
But now, I feel like everything is falling apart and there is little or nothing I can do to stop my decline. My executive function is terrible: I barely get my most critical work done, my home hygiene is appalling, and outside of forcing myself to exercise, I find myself spending large swaths of time doing what I’m doing now — staring at the ceiling and wondering what is the point.
I started a new romantic relationship in October that was so exciting to me. I had left a years-long relationship I found toxic and unfulfilling, and while I knew it would seem I was jumping into something new too soon, I didn’t want to lose out on the opportunity.
Five years ago, I lost my spouse to a sudden and unexpected immediate death. The relationship I recently exited was only ever going to be a placeholder, but I stuck with it hoping maybe my feelings would deepen. (They didn’t). So when I had the chance to start seeing my crush, who I already liked and admired, I was excited to pour myself into it.
This new relationship led to love very swiftly, the first time I had experienced that depth of feeling since becoming widowed. I became increasingly honest about my feelings and what they represent in my advancement out of grief. If I’m honest, I allowed myself to start daydreaming about what the future might hold, even moving toward becoming a long-term commitment or ultimately marriage.
I have had to confront that my feelings may not be enough to move this relationship forward. I knew it would have the usual challenges of navigating personal wants and desires, but was perhaps unprepared to face competition from idealized perception of opportunities and potential pathways that would naturally narrow were I selected to become a long-term partner.
Some challenges:
I’m in full-blown middle age pursuing someone in their early 30s. While I offer security and stability, plus demonstrated willingness to embrace newness and change, I can’t offer the shared lived experiences of a peer. I’ll be old — well into retirement — when my would-be partner reaches my current age.
I have decades of experience being in a successful, emotionally healthy relationship. Now I’m in love with someone who hasn’t had that experience, in fact, who is struggling with a break-up from a year ago that never even matured into a relationship. Lots of experience with numerous and unfulfilling dates and short-term flings, and one actual relationship that soured and ended. But nothing I would assess as lasting and consistent.
Some characteristics about me I am willing to adjust and even change, which is different — I haven’t been willing to try since my marriage. I can handle the criticism when it’s not ill intentioned, and I don’t think it is. I’m a good communicator, but truly don’t always try to make an effort to engage as would typically be expected. I know I have a flat affect and struggle with eye contact, because I’m self aware and have been getting the same note most of my life. I worry, though, that my efforts to change are under appreciated — not only in this context but full stop.
Like everyone, I want to be loved for my whole self, even the parts of me I’ve learned to conceal or underplay to meet normative expectations. I’ve said as much and am now waiting to see what happens next.
In the meantime, everything seems terrible. Am I at a life stage where a new relationship is feasible to succeed? Must I spend even more time in purgatory before reaching an arbitrary status of “enough” grief to be considered ready to love again? Am I a roadblock to someone else’s happiness vs. a long-term source for it? The only thing that looks certain is more uncertainty.
I offer this partly out of desperation and otherwise to center my thoughts and emotions. Also, to force myself to face my problems instead of giving up.
It sure would be great to be allowed to not be strong every now and again, again. All I can do now is try to continue to hold our hope.
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Big age gaps rarely work, even for celebrities. With such a life rich of experience it sounds like you have so much to offer countless people, where romantic love is sure to be waiting. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
ReplyThanks this is not unhelpful. As a son of a Protestant minister I have read the Bible twice for full understanding and comprehension and your assessment is apt.
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