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It really goes to show how a humans can destroy themselves so easily. One choice. One choice is all it takes to make your life change completely, what makes it scary? you won't even see it coming. The impulsiveness held in our bodies is so powerful it can turn us into our own worst nightmares in a split second. One dumb choice that can make your entire world disappear and leave you questioning everything you stood for. What makes me so mad, is that i don't even wanna go down that route, choosing darkness itself wanting to seek protection and comfort from the very thing that took that away from me forever. I thought he was the crazy one , after years of stalking me after we broke up, calling me, following me everywhere. Making me more paranoid than ever. I thought my life was never going to be normal again, once i let go of my innocence, with him, I gave him power over my body, it wasn't mine anymore. Just a wandering lost soul, misplaced in a live cadaver. I felt like nothing, like emptiness. A void in my being. And i was powerless over it, i had given up on myself i couldn't do anything. But that, is for another fucking time.
Oh loneliness how it fucks you up so bad, I'd even say that it makes you the worst things possible, murder alone doesn't cover half of it. From Jeffrey Dahmer to the little kid in the back of the class no one notices, bet you had forgotten about him right? Well loneliness i'd say is the emptiest yet the most powerful of all feelings. Yes, there's love, hate, but whatever these are pretty standard and easily pick-able. But loneliness tops 'em all . It makes you do incredibly shameful things. You'd go back without any hesitation to people who have hurt you only to ignite that neediness that haunts you. Even if they stabbed you in the back so many times you'd lost count, even if you've lost sleep thinking how you could make them understand their wrongdoings, even if they talked shit on you to the whole fucking school and made you seem like an asshole that people would rather ignore than befriend. You'd go back to them , still, after all that crap you've been put through. Simply because the pain and hollow of loneliness is the biggest torture of humankind. Because you'd rather die than come to face an emptiness so deep it traps your soul in a black hole.
If experienced it first hand. No one being there. Yet you believed all of the empty promises they made about supposedly always being there for you, being your ride or die, always listening to you, thinking they know you better than anyone else. What a fucking joke. They never ask, they never try , they ignore, they think all is good just because you're not mentioning it, but few are those that know the feeling of longing for that fictional life people pretend you have. They have no idea, no clue, how disgustingly hard it is to get to a point where you have to physically stop yourself from hitting up the one person who fucked you up more than anybody else. The person who made you feel like you wanted to be sucked into nothingness. Someone who made you think maybe if you vanished everyone would feel better, be safer. Yet only he can give you the comfort you seek. He took it away from you therefore only he can give it back to you, and that's the only reasonable option for your temptations. 2-3 years later, and I finally understand what addiction feels like, it surpasses your willpower and your self respect, it tears you up slowly until you throw yourself back into this nightmare. Because you know no matter what he will give you everything you want. But that comes from his toxicity, his narcissism his abandonment issues. But can never stop. Just when you think you've gotten rid of that monster, you come to realize, that it now lives in you.
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