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My wife and I have hit a rough road. After months of an absolutely amazing bond and relationship she decided to suprise me with, " I want a divorce." What makes it so surprising is just 3p minutes before we are snuggled up talking about taking a vacation and just getting away. She is a new mommy, however I have two other children. She has had a hard time adjusting to mother hood since her child hood was very rough. She endured and still endures a lot of emotinal and mental abuse from her father. Things i have heard him say make me sick to my stomach. I wouldnt dream of talking to a pile of crap the way he talks to her. He has bad anger and so does she. She learned from who raised her. But somehow some way she always runs back to him. This is the 3rd or 4th time she has suprised me with thise scary words, and everytime she will go to her dads for a week and then come back snd we work it out. But this time its different. She is a stay at home momma and i work 70 plus hours a week on night shift snd keeps our 8 month old son on my own during the day. I am always dog tired but still I make sure she has home cooked meals and alwyas start of with" you are absolutely beautiful." But now she doesnt "love" me the same? I can accept and endure the pain if she truly isnt happy and wants to move on. However, it doesnt feel like that most times. One day there is never a chance we will reconcile, next day there is a chance, then the third day its she would like to work it out after space. Its the same 3 stage cycle over and over and its destroying me. It makes one week and about 12 hours since she said that horrid statement, and yesterday before church she had asked to come over. Which is fine considering she had wanted to still come and stay and hang out throughout the process of divorce. Slowly she is beginning to come back around I guess. She began sending hearts again and emojis, seems stupid but she never sends emojis if she isnt interested or enjoying talking to you. And she because to say " i miss you" and ",i love you," ever so often. But still we have yet to have THE TALK. anytime i mention medistion since she was so hard pressed for a divorce she says "just take your time." That has me lost. Niw she has been here for over 12 hours. Asked me it sit and hold her hand as she drifted off to sleep. But then later she stares off and blocks out her connection. Her eyes tell of so much pain and hurt that i dont even think she is really see how she is doing. I dont know what to make of it, I just know it hurts. I watched our son start crawling and get his first tooth to break skin. Boy i bawled, she should have been beside me to watch and she wasnt. The house is deafening without our family whole, I just dont know anymore. I am exhausted and tired, I cant step foot in the bedroom in a weel now because it hurts so bad. Any advice? Does it seem liek she wants to be gkne for you or if its her depression and snxiety getting tk her?
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im not a therapist or anything but she could be manipulating you. i know it can be because of her father and the environment she grew up in, but trauma is not an excuse. its just an explanation. now ofc you can stay by her side and help her get through her problems, but if you find yourself constantly trying help her and her not trying to get better, then maybe its better to officially end the relationship? anyways i wish you the best with your situation<3
ReplyYou need to be the rock. Steady and unwavering. Right now your wife is following her emotions. Continue being a good husband.
ReplyMiddle aged male here, married.
My wife wasn't professionally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder but, if you look at the symptoms she has, we could tick off nearly every single one of the boxes. She may have been misdiagnosed, then, or it could be that she actually doesn't have it. One thing is for sure, though, we're all in agreement that she has "something". Even the doctors have prescribed her with a mood regulating medication.
She had a really traumatic childhood as well; I'm not sure if there's a link between what she went through and how she acts now.
When she's on the meds, she acts "normal". When she's not on the meds, she can get really, really angry or upset or something very trivial. And, in these moments, she's not just angry at the person, thing, or event that upset her, she's now upset with everyone. It's a nightmare and I thought, many times before she started the meds, that our relationship wouldn't last.
Years have gone by and she takes the meds most all of the time. In the rare instances where she forgets, we can all tell it. Unfortunately, once she starts taking them, it takes another day or two or three for them to start working. This stuff has to be in your system for a while to really start working its magic.
What's strange though, is that she's explained to me that when she's not on the meds and she gets angry about something, it just "feels right" in that moment. Later, however, when she's back on the meds and they start working, she thinks back to that moment and wonders, "Why did I do that?"
Wondering if your wife makes decisions like these because "it feels right to her"? Many of her actions sound "off" and I can almost feel that she may need assistance in some way.
If my wife didn't take the this medication, I know we would have gone our separate ways years ago. Luckily, the meds really turned things around for her and, ultimately, us and our relationship. I can all to well, though, remember the repeating issues I had with her and how her crazy routines and actions were on a loop as if she were having these manic episodes. I spent so, so much time trying to figure out what was wrong with her, what I had done or said to upset her, etc. All the while, the issue was just her broken mind.
I'm not a doctor but went through something similar and reading your story sure stirs up some memories on my side. If you can catch her in a good moment/mood, it may be that you suggest she visit a doctor for testing - "just in case". Also, it could be that she could use some therapy to move on from the pain she's enduring from her childhood. In these cases, it can be difficult to know what to do but those are probably good places to start "troubleshooting" the issue. If she refuses, and her behavior continues, you two may reach a definitive breaking point.
No matter what you decide to do, know that many are out here thinking of you and wishing you the very best in this situation.
Good Luck!
ReplyAh, and now adding something to my previous response because I've just re-read your post and my message to you. In that, something clicked and I thought of an example I could share with you. You had mentioned that for a while you two were just snuggling and discussing vacation and then she snapped and wanted a divorce. I TOTALLY understand this.
True story...
We one put some weenies on the stove to make hot dogs for lunch and, about that time, the dryer buzzed that the load of laundry was dry. We had been having a great morning. In the bedroom, we're folding that load of laundry and when I stacked the folded towels to my chest and started walking them to the bathroom to put them away, she tossed an unfolded across my face so as to cover my eyes. I couldn't see and both of my hands were holding this huge stack of towels. She knew I couldn't see and we both started laughing about this so hard. She was teasing me about not dropping the towels and started poking me or short tickling me from time to time from different sides. We laughed so hard at this. Eventually, we got the towels put away and went back to the kitchen to fix those dogs. All this time, we've still had a great day.
I start slathering mayonnaise on the hotdog buns, something I've done dozens of times for us both in the past, and she says that she didn't want me to put mayonnaise on the upper portion of the bun, just the lower portion. She seemed really, overly angry about this and, because we've had such a pleasant day until this point, I assumed she was teasing. Unfortunately, she wasn't. She absolutely lost her mind because I put mayonnaise on both the upper and lower portion of the hotdog bun.
As best as I can remember, I've always put the mayonnaise on like this. I've always done my own dogs this way so assume I would have done hers the same as well. I told her we had a full bag of buns and that I could get her a new one and put mayonnaise just on the bottom if she likes but, at this point, there was no way to consul her. I tried to make amends but she wasn't having it. She chose not to eat lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon in bed watching TV on her phone. I would check in from time to time to try to talk through this with her but she was having none of that and would treat me like crap if I even entered the room. She skipped dinner that afternoon and didn't start speaking to me again until the following morning.
Her schedule at work had changed and, because her routine had changed, she had forgotten to take the meds for a few days in a row. Once the meds kicked back in, though, she apologized to me for that day.
At any rate, I know what you mean. We were having so much fun that morning up through lunch and then, BAM, out of no where, she decides I've ruined her life.
Good Luck!
ReplyMan. Thats a tough situation. I'm curious, what religion do you identify yourself with? And your wife? There's something called Men Skills/Women Skills, a curriculum by Jeff Reinke, that helps bring up childhood trauma and reassures Biblical truth. It's a course thats designed to be taken in a group setting, in person would work best. But the goal is to let go of past trauma and live life as new creations in Christ. Fight for your marriage. Don't give up. You got this man im cheering/praying for you.
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