Anxiety with self harm

So yeah. In the past I've been struggling with my own head, with the feeling of not having any feelings, no happiness, no joy, no love towards people and activities, basically you do what you do because youre past self has decided that you shoud do that cus you like it or something. But now i dont feel a thing.

In that though i quit music school two years, thinking it might make me feel better, but no it didn't help.

To cope with that i found myself inficting pain on my body... Yeah... This was the only way to feel something meaningful, and something consistent, that was still there. But i know that this isn't ok, that i shouldn't be doing this. And so i stopped, cold-turkey style -- i promised myself to work on my mental health and to newer touch a razor blade without the intent just to shave myself.

I functioned greath for a while but now i find that I have these swings, good and bad months. Good months i feel like a normal person should, doesn't wory about anything. But on the bad one's... My mind is all over the place anxiety, depressed thoughts, thinking of ending is all in just a jump for the window.

Today i feel like its the begining of a bad month... And im just afraid that ill lose control over my head and do something stupid. It just feels like im giving up the drivers seat to my own impulses.

I know that i should seek help, but when i do grasp the currage to get help, things go "back to normal", so i dont go.

Human mind in my opinion is a coplicated thing, and how that we somewhat understand it is a blessing, but understanding your own thought seems like a given to all people, but not to me, i dont know why i feel the way i feel, whay i did things, just why.... I just feel lost in my own sine wave of ups and downs that will eventually just be a flat line butried beneath the ground.