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Here I am sitting at work and I'm overcome with emotions of a past relationship and love. It makes me feel like I left without a good reason. When he comes and opens my door, I am reminded of why I'm attracted and in lust with this man.
He's not handsome by any stretch of the imagination but I've gotten attached and emotionally damaged by him that it seems like we're fated to be on a rollercoaster forever. Mind you, he's married and I am trying to build a relationship with a man who wants to marry me. I'm just 24 yo but I fight the feeling every minute I'm at work.
I told him that I dont want him around me and he called me a liar. Partially because he came to my office over a month ago and kissed me and it was like he never left my heart. I wanted him so bad in that moment but I knew he was no good to pine over. I went a month long vacation and part of the reason was the intense feeling of anxiety and dread of knowing that he might or might not come see me.
I wanted to see him knowing that he still cared but I knew that giving him the impression i dont want him would make him back off. I just saw him cozying up to another female in the hall...
I mentally spoke myself into believing this was always his attitude towards life and women, that he was always in control of situations and people. I am trying to pull myself together in my office but I'm blinking tears away as I remember everything.
This is an attachment now, no longer lust and I'm trying to break the cycle.
Focus on this new person, who was my first boyfriend. We broke up and came back together. Now, I want to be as attached to this man as I was to the most unavailable man I've met in this life.
The choice I made would be the one mistake I'd tell younger self not to make again. I'm torn.
Anyway, I'm wiping my tears and putting on a brave face as the work continued.
Have a great day stranger.
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