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I'll try my best to keep this short. My ex boyfriend Drew raped me. Wow.. it feels weird to type that sentence, even after so many years. I went through the 'justice' system regretting it the whole time but knowing it was the right thing to do. I was only allowed to attend the end of the trial where it was mentioned he watched videos of people sleeping and the same thing happening to them. Maybe he planned it or maybe he thought it was normal? Either way, I shouldn't have fallen asleep, I should have listened to him. I've tried everything to move on, therapies, medication, trying to find closure by reaching out to his family. They told me to drop dead and I deserve that... I tore apart their family all because I couldn't cope. I tried to get the conviction withdrawn but it was too late. Its all I think about every second I'm awake. All I feel is guilt and shame, even when I'm smiling. I wish i could have carried on like nothing happened but that moment on the bed was constantly replaying in my mind. It still haunts me to this day and I fear that it always will. I dont know what to do. I'm sorry.
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Was he your ex boyfriend when he raped you or is he now your ex boyfriend after the rape?
ReplyIt was after the rape. We stayed together afterwards and I tried keeping quiet to protect him but I went to a therapist at my school and they told the police. Eventually I broke up with him and it was the worst choice of my life
ReplyProtecting a criminal rapist means you are an accessory to a crime. Rape is violence, violent and against human rights.
ReplyHoney, You are not at fault don't blame yourself. My abuser hurt me when I was a little girl I always blamed myself I always told myself it was somehow my fault or maybe they had been hurt and so that's why they hurt me. I used a million excuses and not a single one made me feel any better. Don't blame yourself for their family's issues if he hurt anyone else it would have hopefully come up eventually. He hurt you he abused you. You didn't do anything wrong. You were hurt and you need to heal. It takes time if anyone knows that I do but you may find yourself alright someday I did it's taken me nearly 15 years but it's really not that long compared to the life you'll make for yourself over time. Keep your head up please don't give up just yet. You are already so strong and you'll grow stronger. Please don't give up or treat yourself badly you don't deserve that.
ReplyIm in tears reading this. You are incredibly strong and im so proud of you! Thank you so much for reassuring me that these things can take a lot of time, I'm hoping I get to the same position you're in. Was loosing hope because its been 4 years now and I still feel the same, if not worse. I was really about to give up.I'm so proud of you! Stay strong, sending you lots of love and support! You're amazing!
ReplyIf he raped you, thats that. There is no way you can go to his family or him for an explanation or closure, you won't find it there. The closure has to come from yourself.
ReplyI really don't know how to do that anymore. I've tried everything, therapies, journalling, building a 'new life but it feels like I'll always be stuck in that awful moment in my mind, I don't know what to do
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