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I look back a lot at where things went wrong and I cant help but feel guilty, like sure we were at a point in life where we weren't what the other person needed... but my feelings were real, I've loved you as a person since high school and didnt act on it out of respect of a friend and when we reconnected I was happy to get the chance to be with someone who wholeheartedly understood and allowed me to be myself around them. you were in one of the lowest points in your life and I was still trying to figure out my direction in life but I wanted to be there for you since you're someone I care fairly deeply about... the more we reconnected the more I realized that my feelings were still there like it hadn't been a whole 2 years since we had talked. Things started off great and I took things slow until you were ready to explore those feelings and it was great until the cracks started to show, it was small things like telling me how you found my best friend attractive and how you wanted to sleep with him but when I made a similar remark (in a joking manner) about a female friend you got pissed off at me and I was the asshole. I know you were going through a lot but you started going down this path with drugs that had me worried and I never knew how to bring it up to you but every time you called me absolutely barred out of your mind I was worried because Opiates are such a slippery slope. and while yes "that night" played a role in my decision to walk away I was also an idiot and cared more about what other people had to say about it than making my own decision... one of my biggest regrets is that we could never just talk this shit out, it always ended in an argument when I would voice concerns about things within our relationship such as how you treated me at times and how certain things made me uncomfortable... I just wish things could've been different and that I could've lived in blissful ignorance of all the glaring issues in our relationship. even now like 2/3 years later you still cross my mind every now and then but I avoid reaching out because it feels like we closed the door on that a while ago and with you being in a good healthy relationship I'm not gonna come in between that and risk hurting you or pulling you into a self destructive state of mind... I dont know if you hate me at this point or if your just indifferent to the thought of me by now, if you think about me at all from time to time I find myself revisiting all the good times we had over the years and wish I could get like a fraction of that back. I appreciated when you reached out to apologize and I regret not staying in communication after that just to maintain our friendship even if the relationship wasnt gonna work out... and now here I am still questioning myself asking if I made the right decision constantly wondering "what-if?" and wanting so bad to text you and get this off my chest... but even after everything I dont want to hurt you or hinder any personal growth youve had since things ended. and realistically now that I have a better understanding of why things went how they did, my worry if we were to try being friends again is that my feelings for you havent fully died... and its not fair for me to do that to you when your happily with someone else. so instead I guess I'll just sit here with nothing but questions, berating myself as to what I couldve done differently to be a better boyfriend and a better man
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Maybe make a list of everything that went wrong what you did and what they did and there go your answers right there on that piece of paper you can see what you could've done better. But maybe it ended for the better, maybe something greater is coming your way. Also i've learned the hard way never "what-is?" Always go for what you want in life and then you would never have to feel that way.
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