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I wake up and without even noticing it, you are still the first thing that slides into my brain. Let's be honest. You never leave it. I still think about you every day. I still hope for you every day. I still ask the universe to pluck you from my brain and then I imagine how gray the world would be. You made a home for yourself there and when you left, your ghost just took up residence and knocks into everything else I've got cluttered up there in my head.
The last time I saw you, you were sitting on my couch and I was wrapped in a robe, sitting in my grandfather's chair. I was frustrated and a little angry and...embarrassed. I felt like you were embarrassed to be spending New Year with me. I felt like you didn't really want to be there. And while I silently wished you would tear all those doubts and fears away (silently...because me vocalizing anything to you usually ended up in us fighting and you disappearing for months). I silently wished for you to love me or at the very least like me while simultaneously willing you to walk out the door...because you didn't look like you wanted to be there. And I had finally gotten to a point where I didn't want to be around someone who didn't wholeheartedly want to be around me. And finally, I turned away from you and walked off to my room, pretending to try to sleep. And you just disappeared into the dark morning, like you'd never even been here.
It's been months. And we no longer speak or text. In the time it tKes to send a text that says "We'll chat later" you were gone. Seemingly forever. There was no fight. There was no discussion of feelings or desires or needs. You just left. You just dropped me like I meant less to you than your brother's damn dog.
And I can't bring myself to bridge the gap this time. I want to. Badly. But why would I after you have treated me so?Every time I open my heart to you, you waste it. You treat it like it's nothing special. We all deserve to have that person who thinks you make up the air they breathe...and we all deserve to be loved for what we are. I loved you...with all your flaws. I loved you even when you didn't deserve it... because that's not what love is about, is it? I think you knew it, too. I told you. I showed you. You just never showed it back. And I do deserve that- someone who can't wait to see me, and actually asks me to do things, plans things, and tells me what he's feeling. Someone who is direct and goes after what he wants. I deserve that. (I will keep saying it to myself until I remember to believe it.)
It takes something more this time.
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I'm exactly where you were, right now. I don't know how I'm going to make out?? Just today, I told myself, I had to stop it. Stop being delusional, stop thinking he'll have an epiphany & admit his true feelings, just stop. But then I wonder, why don't I tell him exactly how I feel either. What if I'm just not saying it directly enough?? Idk? I'm 50 and wonder how much longer do I have to be alone??
I hope you find yours someday.
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