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Tw: violence (sorry if I added too much detail, my mind is still not over it)
I've been single for a really long time and it's so boring. My life is boring in general. All I do is go to school, go to work and go home to sleep. I haven't been socializing with anyone other than my roommates. I've been feeling really down lately. I decided I wanted to get out the house and meet some people so I went on a blind date. We went to a nice restaurant and everything was fine except I did notice him starring at me in a creepy way. I don't know how to describe it but it wasn't normal. Every once in a while he would say something that gave me bad vibes but I ignored it. Mistake #1. Overall he gave me an unsettling feeling but I brushed it off, thinking I was just paranoid because of my lack of social interactions lol.
Fast foward to the end of the date. He asked if I wanted him to drive me home. I politely declined and thought it was a little weird that he'd ask that because I had obviously drove myself there. We were walking out of the restaurant and he offered to walk me to my car. I had parked kind of far away so I said it was fine and that he didn't need to but he insisted. Once we got there we said our goodbyes and before he turned to leave, I unlocked my car. Oops. Mistake #2.
He grabbed me, covered my mouth, and dragged me to the other side of my car. He opened the passenger side door, aka, took one hand off of me, so I took the oppurtunity to get myself free. I almost got away but he grabbed me again and pushed me against the car so I couldn't try to move away. Lucky for me, I have an inconspicuous pocket knife attached to my purse keychain. It was in just the right position for me to be able to reach and open it. Out of panic, I stabbed him in the thigh and he let go of me so I took off running back to the restaurant.
When I say I lost my shit, I've never meant anything more. I was frantic and ran up to the waitress at the front of the building. I was freaking out and I know I freaked her out too (srry girl). She took me inside and got the manager and he called the police. The waitress sat down with me at a table and I was shaking so hard I thought I'd vibrate myself off the chair. Once the police got there I told them what he looked like and answered a ton of questions. They actually found the guy pretty fast. Not what I had expected my day to be like...... at least I'm alive right?
That happened almost 2 weeks ago but I CAN'T stop thinking about it. Especially the part where I stabbed him. I didn't know I was capable of something like that. I bought the pocket knife for a reason but I didn't think I'd actually have to use it. I obviously had a huge adrenaline rush and I think I enjoyed it a little in a twisted way. It felt good to fight back. It was like releasing stress that had been building up. This is where it gets weirder. I'm going to be completely honest. I find myself zoning out and fantasizing about killing people for revenge. Specifically stabbing them. Thinking about it gives me the same adrenaline rush. Is that normal or some kind of bizzare side effect of trauma? I'm suddenly infatuated with murder and I can't get it off my mind. I've never heard anyone talk about anything like this. It's like the expirience awakened something in me. That sounds crazy, but then again, it probably is. I feel psycho. I don't think I'm able to fully explain the extent of my "fantasies" but they are quite...... vivid. Could this just be some kind of unconventional coping mechanism that my mind is forcing onto me or is it something else?
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