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I don't believe in trigger warnings, but I'm only adding them for the sake of following this group's rules so that my post does not get taken down. Warning: This vent may include content disturbing to some viewers (Suicide, Self-injury, grief).
I started university 4 months ago. There is a classmate who treats me overly kind and she claims that she considers me as her "friend".
We do assignments, evening study sessions, and lunch breaks together, we also share half of the path to walk home together due to our shared schedule.
She has always been just a classmate for me. A few days ago, that overly-kind girl opened up to me about the death of her father that took place a year ago. Then she told me about her family problems, and how toxic her paternal relatives are. She told me about her mother's dreams and goals for the family and showed me all the pictures that exist in her phone gallery.
She claims that I'm the first one to whom she's opening up about this.
The next day, she told me about her crush and hobbies. She claimed again, that I'm the first one to whom she's opening up about this.
Yesterday, however, she opened up to me about her self-harm issues and how she's suicidal. Then her bus arrived, so she told me that she will tell me the reasons behind each and every scar she has when we stay at college.
Today, we stayed at college after taking the midterm exam (We study all night till morning via phone for the midterms and also stay at college to study). Today, she showed me her scars. She told me once again that she was depressed. And she talked about her crush. I also shared a few not-so-disturbing facts about me with her, so that she understands that she is not alone in certain things. Eventually, I steered the conversation to wildlife, turtles, and lantern decorations for home. We ended the day by psychologically-analyzing certain people in our mutual friend's group and I told her about why I think certain people we know at college have unresolved childhood trauma.
I am glad that she trusts me with her feelings, and that she trusts the fact that I will not show a negative or judgemental response toward her. However, I never considered her as my friend, because in my mind, she is just a stranger who shares the same learning course and discipline as me.
I remember when she first started being overly kind to me (Purchasing snacks for me, going with me to the hospital, etc), I would refer to her as the girl who's too kind to me when discussing her with my little brother (I discuss everything with him).
Months passed by and she considers me her friend, but I don't have any emotional bond with her. Even after she opened up to me about all this, I first wondered that she has most likely told this to many people, not just me.
No one vented to me like that about themselves before. I never make friends of this type. In life, I NEVER expected anyone to vent to me about themselves like that before. At first, I was so confused.
I eventually did listen to her disturbing issues, and in the end, she gave me a high five when I started labeling, summarizing, and reflecting on my validation of her feelings and mental status. She followed my response with "Exactly!" and she claimed that for the first time in her life, someone understands her. When I reached home, she texted me and said she doesn't feel well. I phone called her and we talked until she had guests over.
This is the first time someone has ever told me about their self-harm and mental health status issues. I do not know how to handle this, because suicidal and self-injurious people with mental health issues need to be treated, and their triggers are much more abundant, which is why they need to be treated seriously and sensitively.
The problem is, there are not many psychiatrists or therapists in my country. Even if there were, I would not abandon my duty as a civil being on her by throwing her into the system and getting her on medications. I believe that she needs a more in-formal therapeutic moment-to-moment session with a loved one. I am not sure how to go about this. I want to see her on the path toward recovery, but I am clueless. I need your input. My idea of friendship has always been like doing activities together. I don't fool around with friends or talk deep, except if they're online and anonymous.
So far, I took the first step by texting her good morning/good night messages, face-timing her, and holding regular study sessions with her as well as having lunch with her and walking home together. I also decided to share my input with her to assure her that I care and reflect about what she says, and to allow her to trust me with her unfiltered thoughts. I am not sure how else to go about this, but I am planning to subconsciously re-wire her mind into a different mindset. So far, I have accomplished step #1 of doing this, that is, I confronted to her about behavioral things I noticed in her and what I think it might root from. She agreed with me.
When studying, she called me her best friend. I am starting to see her as a younger figure, like a daughter or a kid whom I guide. I am not having a friendship instinct with her. At first, it was a stranger instinct, now it's a maternal one, even though the two of us are birthday twins.
Our degree in this country is a 5-year degree, so, we will get to learn a lot about one another. I just feel an ounce of guilt and I feel like I am betraying her in a way by not considering her as a friend/best friend, but at the same time, I'm developing a protective, elder figure instinct over her.
I'm not sure why she trusts me this much. My guess is that I supported her during her panic attack after the exam was over, and also because I'd text her asking why she was absent when she wouldn't be in class (It's my habit to ask people why they're absent).
Maybe she is lonely, deep down. But I want to know how to help her grow, without making her emotionally attached to me. I don't want anyone in life to become dependent on me for mental or emotional reasons. This is the first time I have made a stranger this attached to me. All my past friendships have always been academic friends-with-benefits without (or with minimal) activities outside of school/college.
TLDR:
Should I feel guilty for not considering someone as a friend when she trusts me with her secrets and considers me her best friend?
How should we deal with suicidal/self-injurious teens/young adults when professional help is not an option? (The subject referred to here is 17-18 years of age).
I type in a choppy and less informal manner when I vent about certain topics. Sorry about that, English isn't my first language as well. I appreciate everyone, y'all. 💖
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You sound more lonely than her though
(Not as a insult but behavior wise) she is trying her best to prove that she wants to be your best friend but why are you thinking of her as a daughter? I think the reason why she is telling you everything is that she wants you to be on her side or you can say she choose you and if she keeps on telling you about her then she really trusts you a lot you can help her by being the person who will be close to her. Maybe you are the type who doesn't like to get involve in all this stuff that's why you are clueless but if you want to help, no need to go professional you can change her just by figuring out what she actually wants.👀
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