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Maybe it’s because I’m mentally ill. Maybe it’s because I grew up around him. Probably both.
I do not like my father. He’s a pathetic man. He makes me want to scream and shout out to the world, to anyone that cares, how horrible he is. But no one really cares, and my voice gets caught in my throat.
He makes me mad. I’ve wanted to hurt him, maybe even kill him before. He makes my blood boil so much, I can taste the heat of it in the back of my throat at times. My mother said showing emotion near him is how he manipulates you though, so I seethe quietly, barely letting it out with passive aggressive comments.
And again, it’s probably because I’m mentally ill, but I’ve imagined it. How I would hurt him. Make him suffer just a little bit of what he has done to my family. It is not his family. He is not my family.
My first manic thought was I’d bite him. Tear his flesh off and make him bleed dry, like I’m a rabid dog. The comparison makes me happy, my father is afraid of dogs. My second feral thought was scratching him with my nails. Dig in so deep, the scratches would never fully disappear, a reminder of his actions. Next I’d imagine kicking him in the gut when he’s so intoxicated he can’t move. Kick him until he throws up blood. I almost did this once when he got mad when me and my brothers were leaving him when he got drunk. I really would have, but I didn’t want my brothers to see that. I think I might have actually killed him. Then I imagine hitting him. Knocking his teeth out. Slamming his head into a wall, give him a concussion. Rip his skin clean off. Break him.
I think this is true hatred.
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