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Well my stepdad just came down the stairs, sat down and muttered “ISN’T that just great” - I said “what?” And he replied “your mum wants us to separate…”
I literally couldn’t think of anything to say so I just said “should be telling me this right now?” And said nothing else.
No one just says that to their child straight after an argument. What am I supposed to do with that information?? I feel so conflicted because IF it’s actually true, it means so much more than just them separating. I hate him, he angers me more than anything else can but I do still love him, he part - raised me. Of course I feel a sense of connection to him, despite our inability to get along. But if it’s true, than I feel awful. I know he does love my mum, truly- but he is so…. There’s not even a word. He is aggravating to everyone in this house. He is moody, vexing, irritated and everything is more stressful with him around. He never wants to do anything with us and complains about every minor inconvenience. He hates the way we live and experience things. But I know he loves me, I know he loves my mum. Part of me doesn’t want them to separate but part of me knows my mum would be happier- is that awful to say!? But I know HE would be even more miserable. And I feel responsible, at least partly, because I can never contain my irritation when he’s around. We argue constantly and I know it makes everything worse but sometimes I just can’t hold back my anger. Waxing moons in my palm do nothing to stop the swell. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care for him…. deep down. I don’t want anyone to be hurt.
But if they did separate, it’s more than that. The selfish part of me would be happy, I know I would be, I love my mum and we get along so so well. But what would we do? She doesn’t earn enough to support both of us alone, we would have to move house, maybe I couldn’t go to university even, I don’t know. How despicable is that, that I’m thinking about money after my dad told me that so blasé. That’s if it’s even true, he has said stuff like this before and everyone pretended like nothing was wrong a few hours later. So I don’t know. I guess I’ll just wait, feeling like a horrible person for being… partly happy and feeling torn for also being sad.
Life. It’s fucking messy.
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I don't have advice for you but I'm really impressed at how well you understand the situation. You even got that it was inappropriate for you to be told before things were settled.
I don't think you're selfish, I think you are observant. BTW, it's often easier to get money for University if you only have 1 parent who doesn't make a lot of money. And you are not responsible for someone else's marriage.
Stay strong. Stay awesome. The world needs more people like you.
ReplyThank you, and yea you’re probably right. I know there’s options available if I can’t afford stuff, but then I feel guilty about worrying about that. I don’t know. Thank you though
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