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I had to get this out of my system. I feel like a failure. I am afraid of what the future holds, I am ashamed of the present, I am traumatized by the past. I am lonely in a foreign country. School is hard. I feel like I need an emotional equivalent of "a cup of coffee, cookies and a warm hug". My perception of everything I thought I knew or believed about myself is changing. I can't focus and I can't afford therapy. I keep comparing myself to the others. I keep thinking about mistakes I made. The mistaked that still haunt my reality even now. Missed opportunities. I feel like I'm wasting emotions fixating on what could have been but I really can't help it. I've grown distant from the important people in my life cause that's life. That's how it works. You drift apart. You no longer are each other's priority. But honestly I don't know whose priority I even am right now. Desparation. This is what I feel. Somebody. Anybody. If you could say something to me, please do. I probably have never felt this low.
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ReplyFirstly, you must know that there are many people out there who feel this way, and you'd be surprised to hear that sometimes it's people who appear to be winning at life. The difference is that they are better at putting on a positive public face than we are. I've been there, and to some extent, am still in that space. So here's what I tell myself to try and center myself, to refocus, and move on...
1) Run your own race. Life is not a competition! We all have a different destination for ourselves so it's not fair to compare ourselves to others. Their journey is theirs, and ours is ours. They could want something completely different from what you want out of life. So you're trying to run their race and sometimes that's why you feel like you're falling short. Rather set a goal (destination) for yourself and measure your progress according to that. Even a small movement towards your own goal is progress. The one benefit of being at your lowest point, is that you get to re-design your life and start afresh with a new destination. Shrug off the losses of the past, and take your first step on a new pathway.
2) Little daily victories matter more than big victories. Sometimes just waking up in the morning and feeling positive about the day, is a victory in itself. In the end, a lot of little victories will get you to the finish line. They pile up and become one big victory. And to be honest, it feels good to be able to put a few 'wins' on the board at the end of the day!
3) FORGET ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES! Focus on the things you did right (even the small ones). This is very important! I still struggle with it... Forget your past mistakes! Nothing you can do can erase them or alter them, so there is no practical reason to re-live them and make yourself feel bad all the time. it just makes you feel depressed and robs you of whatever little bit of positivity you may have. If you keep thinking about it, it will always be an anchor stopping you from moving forward. Learn from them and move on. When you feel yourself beginning to go down that rabbit hole, quickly stand up and go do something else... anything else... just to get your brain to focus on the new task.
The good thing is that it seems like you know where you went wrong, and can identify the problem areas... so you know where you need to make certain fixes. As to the people in your life who you have grown distant from... Don't be too proud to apologise if you have wronged them in anyway. An honest apology is sometimes the most theraputic thing you can do for yourself. Whether they accept it or not, you will let go of the guilt you carry around and feel relieved in the knowledge that at least you tried. People may also surprise you. The ones who come back to you were meant to be in your life, the ones who don't maybe weren't the best fit for where you want to be in the end.
This is a new chance to redesign a life that you want. I'm going to leave you with this saying ' God doesn't always give you what you want, but rather, what you need.' Maybe you needed a clean slate and a fresh start in a new direction. This was his way of giving you a push in that direction... You just have to change your perception about it.
I hope this helps... All the best.
ReplyHang in there... better days will come.
Remember that courage doesn't always roar... sometimes it's the little voice at the end of the day saying " I will try again tomorrow" ... Cheesy but true!
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