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I would say there's a difference between living and existing. I'm afraid I'd only be able to half explain what I mean because all I really know is what existing is. I believe I'm just existing. There are many things about me that contribute to this, so much so that I'm nearly unsure of where to start.
Maybe, I should start with the lack of passion I have for pretty much anything. Everyone around me seems to have something that makes their eyes light up when they talk about it. A hobby, a goal, a subject they're particularly fond of... Anything. I feel like I don't have that. It's gotten to the point where the questions "What do you like to do in your free time?", or "Do you have any hobbies?", makes me shit my pants. I've tried a lot of things - different hobbies, I mean - but none of them really stick. I find that if I'm not immediately good at what I do, I give up. I pick up things as quickly as I put them down because guess what? I'm not a damn prodigy nor am I good at it. And how stupid is that? It's only natural that someone isn't good at something they've never done before. I don't like it though. It makes me feel stupid and useless, and I'd prefer to not prolong that feeling honestly.
I kind of do have something I'm interested in. The course that I'm studying in uni is something I realised I wanted to do in the last few years in high school, so I was quite ecstatic when I got in. I'm enjoying it enough, but I feel as though I'm not working hard enough for how interested I believe I am (or was?). Regardless, I'll hold onto what interest I have in this and see it through. It's pretty fun and if I didn't I'd be completely goalless and that genuinely frightens me. What good would being here do me if I had nothing to work towards?
Another thing that concerns me, is probably a large part of my personality. Besides the fact that I'm pretty pessimistic and bordering on being nihilistic, I'm pretty introverted and shy. Definitely not in a cute sort of shy way. I think I'm pretty fucken awkward. My introversion paired with a deadly dose of social anxiety is something to be feared, honestly. Constantly messing up the words I want to say, talking way too fast and 2 decibels from being silent doesn't help either. The whole speaking too quietly makes me want to disappear, especially when I have to repeat myself more than twice. I've been like this ever since I was a child. Nothing traumatic happened to me to create such a quiet personality; although sometimes I almost wish something did so I'd have someone else to blame but myself. This whole thing makes me feel as though I missed so many opportunities. A whole lot of "what if's". I feel like I missed out on a lot and I don't know how I can make up for it. I feel like I'm running out of time to do something great or worthwhile even though I'm still 18. Why does it feel like time is running away from me?
To add insult to injury, I don't think I genuinely like much about myself. The only thing I really like is how my eyelashes curl. What the fuck. I haven't had the chance to cry about that yet. I'm kinda tired, but I'll get around to it soon I think. After all, it really only occurred to me a couple of hours ago. I'd much prefer if the one thing I liked about me was something related to my personality, but I'm too envious, too sad, too sensitive, too emotional. And too much of anything is bad for anyone. I think I'll stop writing about this for now. This post is long enough as is and I don't think anyone wants to hear me bitch and moan more than I have.
Back to 'Living vs. Existing', that was a condensed version of my experience of existing. I imagine living would be nearly the opposite of everything here and would probably be a whole lot more enjoyable to read. I would love to hear about someone who's actually living. Which of the two do you think you are? I guess I'm writing all this to find out if someone understands what I mean or how I feel and maybe they're existing too. I don't want to feel as alone as I do right now and that might be selfish of me to hope someone feels the same way I do. I'm sorry.
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You’re not alone; I feel you. You brought up a good point with Living vs Existing. I’d say that from my point of view, it feels as thought I’m not truly living, simply existing in this world. It’s lonely, feeling like you don’t really fit in here.
I guess I’m also trying to figure out how other people feel and whether I really am just an outcast. It’s not selfish at all to want to know other people’s experiences and to hope that someone else can relate to you. I’m right with you, buddy, and we’ll go through this together.
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