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I hate it. myself and everyone and i hate that i hate everyone. I deserve love i doN'T DESERVE this kind of treatment. I treat myself like crap and i overthink too much that i end up thinking about killing myself. I regret a lot of things that i have done and the things that i did out of desperation, they kill me and occupy my brain. I can't do anything i am so sick of everything why am i like this i feel like i am going to burst out at some point. i want to kill myself but i want to do a lot of things and it is not the right time. life is so pointless and i feel like i am in an endless cycle of emotions. I keep feeling like i am drowning and i cant handle my emotions. I try to ignore them because i dont want to remember the emberrassing things that I have done. I dont want to eat but i eat and i have no idea what i look like i just want to be pretty enough to feel validated. Over the years the people around me damaged my self image and i hate my mom i hate it i hate that i am like this and i dont even know what i am tslking about right now. i am getting help but does it really help? I cut myself and i got diagnosed with bulimia and major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. But i still have to do everything and i dont know how to manage the things i have to do. I have so much work to do but i can't bring myself to complete them. I cried today and it felt good but i want to throw myself out of a window after the crying sessions. how and when did this happen to me I WAS NOT LIKE THIS I WAS NOT LIKE THIS I WAS HAPPY AND DETERMINED HOW HOW DID I LET MYSELF TO END UP LIKE THIS i am just too tired. i do not want to do anything i dont want to feel any kşnd of emotion i want to be numb because emotions made me like this.
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I pity you, but I relate to you as well.
Even I don't remember when I hit rock bottom and was shoved into the darkness. In a blink of an eye, my happiness was snatched away, and I was left to cry each night. My depression has been living with me since I was four because of mental abuse. It literally comes and goes like winter and summer. My chest aches, my head hurts, I feel empty, but nothing helps. I have voices in my head pointing out my flaws every second, but I can't do anything about them. Crying endlessly about the same thing again and again, swallowing pills, and waking up in the ER the next moment; I know how it feels and how terrible it can be, especially for an Indian girl, where things like this are considered a shame to the blood. After realizing that suicide is not an option anymore, I began to carve myself using sharp blades. And it felt good to feel the pain and see the dripping metallic liquid. It definitely calmed me until I realized the huge scars on my body and the sins I had committed. My insecurities got the best of me, including my fights with my parents. Over the years, I have lost a few emotions. I no longer remember how it feels like to be happy or feel loved. The only emotions I recognize are anger and sadness. I have to carry a fake smile to not ruin their good mornings, and if I were to squeak about it, it would not differ from a storm of rage breaking out. Everything suffocates me, and I would not know where to go. Even my small group of friends disregard and say, "It's going to be fine. You'll get over it." I felt tired all the time.
I could never find peace until I disconnected myself from the world and just sat down with my guitar with a pen and paper beside me. I wrote down the words suffocating me; the scenarios trying to guilt-trip me, the conversations with my family, which scarred me. I cried while writing each sentence because it genuinely hurt and brought back memories I had buried deep. I turned those words into lyrics of a song and then sing them to myself. In a way, I felt lighter the first time I had done it. Like even in darkness, there's always a bright light shining to show you the path of leaving the pain behind and moving on to find true meaning in life; music became the brightest light in my pitch-black darkness. I'm not saying that I was able to overcome my mental issues, nor am I saying that music is good for you. All I want to convey is that patience can open endless paths for you. However, begin by looking for yourself. Find yourself inside of you while patiently waiting for the future. It may take minutes to years, but the time will definitely come. Keep trying because, even if you were to die, at least you'll die trying. Don't lose hope. You only get to live one life. Live to its fullest.
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