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I"m writing this to all the 20-somethings out there that aren"t quite sure of themselves.
I"ve never felt like this before in my life. After facing a life threatening eating disorder, and then struggling with hypochondria for many years while I chased my dreams in the city of angels, I am no better than I was the day I had to check myself into a psychiatric hospital.
Things are...hard. My brain likes to trick me in ways I never imagined it could. Things that seemed so simple a year ago, have now turned into dark obsessions. Anxiety is determined to take over any chance I had at a happy life. I now wake up shivering in fear, and fall asleep restless, fighting the darkness inside.
So, this, my friends, is a declaration. I WILL not let this consume me. I will continue to propel myself forward with shaking hands and crying eyes until I remember who I am again. I have no choice but to go forward. Staying stuck will most certainly mean death, whether that be by my own hand, or death of personality. I cannot let that happen. I want to be that girl I liked, that girl I loved, that girl who had it all together, that girl that everyone believed would succeed beyond a doubt. Maybe this is a little bit of an exaggeration, but I"m not kidding when I said I used to love myself. I want back there. I NEED back there.
I need help, there is no doubt in that. Albeit, encouragement from friends and family, I still feel as though no one quite understands. Even after weeks of therapy, I do not feel cured. I want someone to shake me. To tell me I"m being irrational, to tell me my brain is WRONG, and it"s OKAY. Most importantly, I just need someone who"s been where I have. Who knows what its like to fight your thoughts everyday. They say, "don"t fight your thoughts, just let them be," but if I don"t fight them, I will end up believing them. No, I can"t do that. If I believe them, I"m gone. This is a smart brain that"s causing a lot of distress. I"ll never understand why it has betrayed me. I always used to have my cool about me. But suddenly, I am not so sure. Does anybody out there know how I feel?
If you do, then listen closely. I may be at the bottom of my hole, but I have no where to go but up. I may struggle everyday to keep everything in check, but everyday I succeed, is a day in the books. Tomorrow is a new one. Tomorrow I will be new again. This is a declaration. I will get better, and so will you.
Signed,
Anonymous On a Plane
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