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The sudden realisation that you"re lonely hits you hard, right in the chest. A heavy weight that calls for you to panic, to throw your hands in the air and give up. It"s not a shock when you allow yourself to understand why but, in that moment, it"s as if the entire weight of the universe is bearing down on you, making it impossible to move, to continue.
You don"t have to be alone to be lonely. You don"t have to be shut away from the world without contact. And as you realise you"re lonely, the thought of telling someone you are seems absurd. Can I tell them I"m lonely? Does having someone to tell this too make the concept of being lonely null and void?
But it"s there. With a thousand friends in your life, it can still be there.
I was introduced to my loneliness today.
I work with good people who I talk to throughout the day. I have friends I socialise with, both in person, via text or online. I communicate with others constantly. But yes, I am lonely.
I was relieved of a long term relationship at the start of this year. A phone call that ended something I, at the time, believed to be rock solid. It was a shock, it hit me hard and I suffered greatly. Though through that suffering I also found a sense of "rediscovering myself". In that moment, as the phone call ended and I cried hard sobs into my hands, I had a choice. I fall apart or I keep walking. I chose the later. The next day I decided to focus on myself. I realised I wasn"t happy with myself, primarily in a physical sense, and I started to build a plan to exercise, to eat right, to get fit. I set myself goals and I met them, I overachieved them. I lost weight, I felt the benefits of the food I ate, I felt better about myself. At night I would still cry, I would still send those "are you sure" messages that I now regret. But with each day that passed, I found these small chunks of myself that had been missing for years. I rediscovered passions that had been squashed by a partner who had no interest in them, I re-found the ability to do the things I wanted to do, see the things I wanted to see, without there being someone whose needs had always come first. Having spent those years serving the happiness of another, pushing my own feelings aside, I was reintroduced to the concept of self and, with that, happiness. And eventually I can to realise that this person I had built a home with, had loved completely, had never even existed. Not as I had seen them. I had succumbed for years to make their life and needs a priority over mind and I had, on many occasion, been emotionally manipulated into following that path. I don"t believe them to have been a bad person who did these things on purpose, I believe them to have been a selfish person who found that they were able to get their way if the right words were said, the right kisses planted, the right touch placed.
It becomes very easy to get over something the moment you realise it never existed... and that"s where I found myself.
I was me again. I was single and okay with the concept. I was happy. I was doing alright. I had reformed friendships that had become strained under the weight of my devotion to another and I was exploring all that was available to me. I had a new job, I had new interests along with the existing ones I"d rediscovered.
Though circumstance, a person came back into my life. An important person. A person who I had met years previous and in that moment of meeting them, had known them to be perfect for me. They embodied all I had wanted in a partner; similar interests that could grow through mutual exploration, an attraction between us both and a want to be around each other, asking nothing of the other aside from their existence in your space. But at that time, all those years ago, things got in the way. At that time, after a handful of failed, short "relationships", I had wanted more. More than they were able to offer me. Eventually we parted ways when I knew I couldn"t be around them if I couldn"t have them. Over the years we would often reconnect between failed relationships (on my part) and the same ritual would occur. We meet, that flame is relit, we"d fall into each other and then things would get too much. And between those meets, I would end up dating people who showed an interest in me, regardless (if I"m to be honest) of my attraction to them. They liked me... and I liked being liked. So we would date, I would force myself to fit into their life to maintain this "liking" and it would eventually end due to how I had "changed" or how I had simply stopped caring. And in all that time, this one person remained in my head. This "what if", this "one that got away". We both had this idea of "self" to discovered and while I felt I could discover myself with them along for the ride, they needed time and space and a lack of commitment to see it through. Once again we would part ways.
This time, as both of us found ourselves single ones more, that same old flame was brought out of storage, the wick lit and the routine continued. But this time, with my newfound self, I was ready. I had no question. I wanted this person, I WANT this person and I would take it as slow or as fast as they needed in order to allow this to continue.
But they were where I had been at the start of the year, they were in that state of complete loss of the self. However easy it was to be around me, the greater issue was that they could not process, could not have that period of self discovery that I had been granted with.
The physicality was greater, the words sweeter. The touch, the kiss, the sentiment, it was heightened... but it was not enough. The same old song was once more played and I found myself, yet again, at a crossroads. Should I stay or should I go?
But eventually there was no question. I couldn"t deny my feelings and those feelings would be my downfall if I continued to have them in my life. How hard would it be to want someone yet see them making new friends, exploring all those new wonders I had not long ago found... and feel myself hurt that they"re not mine?
I tried for a while to convince myself it would be fine. Previously I had always walked away but what if I stayed this time? What would happened? But I knew. I knew I"d want to be in their space just to remind them I was still there, still an option. It"s brilliant you"re finding yourself and loving life again but don"t forget me, don"t forget I"m still here. Don"t forget that whatever is out there isn"t half as good as what exists when they two of us are alone, tangled in each other and lost to the world.
I took myself away to a quite place, into the trees away from my home, away from people. I sat and I worked through situations in my head and I felt that hurt. How would I feel to see them in a photo with someone I didn"t know? Would I start to build scenarios in my head? And so what if I did; those scenarios were allowed... they"re not mine anyway.
I sat and I thought and I made the decision to once again walk away. And that"s when I was hit by that force of realisation that I was lonely. They came hand in hand. I was giving up something so special, so perfect in my eyes (if given the chance to be) and that lost brought about the realisation that I was lonely. I was lacking.
I believe, in part, it"s due to the final admittance to myself that I"ll never have what I want with this one person I truly believe to be perfect, to be mine. And I believe it"s the unacknowledged remains of the end of three years of losing myself.
And I believe it"s because I just feel alone... and have no clue what so ever of how to stop it.
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