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Every once in awhile I return to this place when I feel this way. It helps me for a couple of years each time.
Here is what usually brings me here.
I feel regret at what I didn’t get to do in my youth because of shyness, religion, fear, and being fat because of all of the above.
I’m a guy and I lost my virginity when I was 33. I had opportunities in years past to lose it (or at least I like to think I had opportunities). My Mother was bipolar and scary as anything when I was growing up. Between that and my super strict religion that kicks people out in the street for any little thing. I grew up repressed, eating my way through my life. My way of coping with my fear driven, strict, isolated life was eating. So I got fat. I was close to 300 by 18. I used to think I’d just live this lifestyle and die by 30 and my messed up brain was ok with that. So I never really thought of having a girlfriend or getting laid due to all the other crap I was coping with. Fast forward to when I was 32 (and obviously hadn’t died) and a friend of mine somehow broke through my shell. I could finally see a little bit of light. I lost a bunch of weight and got a girlfriend. Had 2 girlfriends and then a wife (who I lost my virginity to) and I’m living a happy life. I gained a bunch of my weight back even before I got married and I still am gaining. I can feel some of the same stuff coming back into my mind though. I don’t have the fear of my Mother and my religion (as much) anymore. But still, something is there in the back of my mind. And now it’s different. The thing in the back of my mind now is regret. I regret that I lived that life for so long, that I wasted the best years of my life. I value youth and vitality. Some people say “those aren’t the best years, the best years are when you make them”. To a degree, I get that. I can see having a time later in life that you feel wiser, more fulfilled and such. But, there is nothing like actually physically being young and experiencing things then. I wish I made out with someone when I was 14 or 15, messed around at 16, had sex at 17…stuff like that. I also wish I was healthier back then too, with less weight on. But I would not have been able to cope with my situation at that time without food if I didn’t have another outlet. I personally think that outlet is supposed to be sexuality at that time in life. That’s what I’ve come to believe. There’s a reason we have a burst of hormones at that age. I never really got that burst of hormones until I lost my weight at 32. I’m on a tangent now. Back to my regrets. I just wish I was able to get out of my own way back then and have experienced life, had multiple partners and all that. I know some people will say “you avoided a lot of heartache and other problems”. Agreed. But that’s what makes a person a person. Being able to experience things and reflect. All I have to reflect on is fear, boredom, and gluttony. I now have started to get genuine jealousy when see ‘coming of age’ type stories or hear people relive their past.
Anyway, I just needed to write it out. I know I have a great life. I just wish I had lived a little more when I was younger. I know there is soooo many worse things that could have happened to me and there’s wars with people dying and suffering. I empathize and it makes me feel even worse when I wallow like this in my stupid regrets.
Thanks for reading.
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ReplyI sort of relate. I used to wish I had experienced certain things, ect. but was unable to do so because of my health, and weight (food was my comfort too). But now, as a 32 year old woman, I'm GLAD I didn't go out and do all those things. Those people I thought I needed in my life, at the time I felt like I couldn't live without them, I'm GLAD nothing ever happened between me and them. I would have regretted it. I experienced a lot of things but without going too far, or doing things that I know I would have regretted later. I'm glad I saved myself for my husband, I'm glad I was never able to "give myself" to people who were wrong for me. Even though it hurt like a bitch at the time, I'm glad those people rejected me. I'm glad I never had the opportunity to become closer with the wrong ones.
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