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I'm a 23 year old male from Bangladesh. I'm quite introverted and don't have many friends. Not because I can't socialize, it's just that I rarely trust people and prefer to not speak in most situation.
So I have 5-6 friends and 2-3 best friends.
After my high school, I moved to another city for college. My friends all remained in the same city. I made some new friends here but I don't share my secrets with them because I can't gel with them on an emotional level. They are very nice people and I love them alot but I can't confide my deepest insecurities with them.
Now a few months back I was in my college city and was trying to call my two best friends as I do once every two or three days to free my mind otherwise my loneliness overpowers me in my new city. My best friends didn't receive my call. I thought they were busy so I didn't call for another week. After a week again they didn't receive my call. I was suffering from panic attacks as I couldn't deal with the negative thought of being left alone.
So after 3 weeks I called one of my best friends to pass the phone to another friend to wish him happy birthday and after the call I spoke to my best friend, I suddenly lost my emotional balance and started crying telling him, "You guys know I needed you more than you need me. You guys are together and I am alone. Yet you choose to ignore me and leave me behind."
I cut the call before he could respond as I felt disgusted due to me crying. Later he called me back and after a minute or so I again couldn't control my emotion and had a nervous breakdown. I cut the call again. He then sent me a voice note telling me that I should get a hold of myself and this happens to everyone and not just me.
I felt as if someone put his feet on my neck and spit on my face when he said that. I lost the emotional attachment I had towards them. I stopped calling and they stopped calling me too. Another best friend in the meantime never checked up on me. So I lost the emotional attachment towards him as well.
The one who told me to get a hold of myself texted me from time to time. But I don't feel the same attachment towards him anymore. As what's the point of checking up if you can't be there during someone's lowest point.
This didn't happen once. It happened multiple times on a lighter scale.
My friends only hung out when I was in town and never called me on their own.
I came home on a vacation and met them but I couldn't look them in the face and the bond I had towards them had faded.
The best friend who never contacted me during this period acted as if nothing had happened. He knew from others how upset I was with his behavior and he did not have the courtesy to acknowledge what he did.
I haven't spoken with him since.
The thing is many people tell me I should avoid people who do this. But they are the ones who pulled me back when I was at my lowest. They helped me overcome depression so in a sense they are nice people. But I don't know what happened.
The sense of abandonment is eating me inside. I don't speak alot but everyone needs atleast one person to share his emotions with to let off some steam.
Any advice on how I can cope with this and reduce this feeling will be very helpful and I'll be forever grateful.
Thank you
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