thoughts

I finished the semester, unfortunately I failed every class. My mental state hasn't been the best, but I am trying to get it better. I know I shouldn't be careless about it but apart of me is. It isn't that I don't care about my education, life happens, especially when you've lived with severe depression & bpd the entirety of your life. . . But, I am trying to find happiness in this cruel, cold world and I found enjoying your own peace and presence is a start. Living alone in a dorm, talking to myself has made me in a way more aware, self aware of who I am internally, and not give a fuck about the views of me from the external world. We're all here, living our own lives, so why should I care about another persons opinions? Thoughts? Remarks? We are given one chance at life, and I finally found that I need to cherish that, even on the bad days.

Though it does get lonely, I would rather sit in the sorrows of my mind than share them with a person who's feelings can change in an instant. Why risk it? When I find happiness in being alone? Do I want to be alone forever? Is being too independent bad? Or strong? I have noticed so many questions come with every decision one makes, or maybe it is just how my brain works but I question everything.. I'm starting the find the light in my abyss, and though its dull I see it, I feel the warmth of the rays soaking into my skin, I have hope these bad days will soon make sense and balance the good that is soon to come. But getting there is the hardest part, living for others when you want to give up on yourself if the most painful feeling in the world. Its like a weight on your chest that never goes away, only to get heavier everyday. I'm just ranting lol, my mind is full with so many thoughts, unanswered questions and no one to share it with... maybe that is why being alone brings me peace. Because no one can criticize the words I speak, and the thoughts I think.

Feeling lost at 22 is normal, right? Not having certain amenities in life at 22 is normal right? I guess when you always envisioned being dead by 16 makes everything a daze, and unreal yet nobody understands how real and confusing that feeling can be. Making it to 18, then 21 has really opened my eyes as to my take on life, and giving it a chance but, how many chances can one give when they are confused in this life? When social media is a façade, and people aren't the persona's they portray?.... idk, if you made it this far, lets have a conversation. What are the thoughts that constantly race through your mind?