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Today I saw part of a video in which the environment of suspicion of one's neighbors was brought up. My mind has circled back to a day early last school year in which some neighbors/ people living a few streets away regarded me with suspicion.
That evening I went to a club meeting, so I left the college campus later than usual, taking a bus to the stop closest to my apartment. By the time the bus I was on reached the stop I was heading to, it was very dark, there was a thunderstorm going on, and it was pouring rain. When I got off, in my rush to try to get to my apartment, I accidentally went the wrong direction. When I reached a road, it was not the one I live by. I recognized the street name through the dim light, but in the moment I couldn't figure out where I would need to go to get back on track.
If it wasn't raining, I would have used google maps to figure that out, but my phone wouldn't be too useful soaked in water and I didn't know where I could find cover from the rain to get oriented or call someone for help. I was very disoriented and only knew that I needed to get to cover and eventually get back to my apartment. I thought about ringing someone's doorbell, but I felt self-conscious and didn't know anyone living in any of the houses I saw.
Eventually I saw that someone was looking through their door in my direction. Still on a sidewalk, I hoped that I could ask for help/small amount of time in shelter to text or make a phone call (to ask friends for help), but as I tried to take another step in their direction, someone in a car honked the horn of a vehicle on the side of the road. I was confused and didn't realize at first that it was in response to my presence there. I also couldn't figure out an alternative location to go to (still disoriented). After honking a third time, a man opened the door of the car and yelled at me to "get off the property!" From my place on the sidewalk, I yelled "sorry!" and ran back in the other direction.
I remember that I felt very scared and small. His tone and words gave me the impression I was perceived in disgust as subhuman and or was read as a potential threat. I sprinted as fast as I could manage for what felt like a long time. I finally reached an elementary school building and went under an overhang to grab my phone out of my (now soaked) backpack.
I saw a woman who worked there walk out of the building. Still feeling really self conscience about how I was viewed, I asked if it was okay if I stayed under the overhang there until I could find a way to get home. She said yes. She was very kind and checked in later about whether I found someone to drive me back to my apartment. I am very grateful for her kindness and understanding at that time. Although I remained somewhat freaked out about the earlier encounter, under cover from the rain and with more peace of mind, I was able to think and act more calmly.
For some context, I hadn't added anything like Uber or Lyft to my phone yet, so I didn't consider that an option. I reached out to people I know in my apartment building via text. It was a kinda slow process with a lot of typos, some water had reached my phone so the screen wasn't very responsive. A friend offered me a ride back. When he got to the school, the storm had stopped and the rain was much lighter. Still grateful that he showed up.
That night I was still struggling to understand why the first people I came across treated me like they did. I ran through the scenario in my head - what if I hadn't run off when I did, did the man have a weapon? Maybe they believed I was homeless and have prejudice against homeless people. Maybe they thought I had a mental illness or disability and believe the stigma against that. Minus the stigma part that would be the closest to the truth. The fact my ADHD meds had already worn off by the time of the storm could have had some to do with how disoriented I was. I didn't consider it then, but thinking back on it I wonder if what happened had anything to do with the "neighborhood watch" signs I've seen around.
I still find it difficult to comprehend this all. Did they not consider the possibility someone could get lost in a thunderstorm and that the rain could make finding help more difficult? I was thoroughly soaked at the time. My shirt was plastered to my chest. I guess seeing that someone looks desperate for help in that way could drive some to want to be helpful while others could interpret the same appearance as sinister. All about prospective and assumptions based on first impressions.
Of course yes, fear exists. And there is the small chance a stranger may do bad things. And there is also the chance that they will not and the assumption of the former could lead to a lack of human compassion and empathy. Neither the man who yelled at me to "leave the property" nor the kind woman at the school knew me beforehand, yet their responses were very different.
The memory doesn't resemble much of a pattern in my life. I think that the fact it stands out as an unusual occurrence to me could be a sign of privilege. I'm a white person who grew up in a rich family. I don't tend to face prejudice based on either or those things.
Anyways I hope this wasn't too rambley or disorganized. I don't think I'll get many more coherent thoughts formed here at this time of night, so I guess I'll conclude the post now. The part I didn't fully get into (could maybe be a discussion) is that I wonder if/how the assumption that an unfamiliar person must be a threat could reflect on existing racist and classist prejudices.
Night,
Some Unknown Person
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