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i’m stuck, the amount of guilt hung in my mind is killing me, quite literally bc it’s the reason for my first ever attempt on my own life.
i’m 14 F, i’ve been diagnosed with both anxiety and depression and im medicated for both. i have intrusive thoughts constantly, stuff i’m unable to admit to my therapist for fear that they’re not intrusive thoughts and im just really fucked up. i often get thoughts of incest, murder, torture and the works, those aren’t even that bad.
i get thoughts of kidnapping and sexually torturing children, murdering them by having sex with them, taking children and breeding them and using them and raping them and way too much.
i know what you’re thinking, what the fuck is wrong with her? but it gets worse,
i’m turned on by the thoughts, the guilt only comes after in waves. once i get off on the thought or fiction i’ve read feeding the thoughts i’ve often thrown up or cut myself from the guilt. i’m so disgusted but even more fear lies in the thoughts of ‘maybe i do just like it and i have nothing against it, it’s just the chance of being caught and society looking down on it that makes me against it’
this is the first time i’ve admitted this and anyone who reads this will clearly be able to tell why.
i just want to know what to do
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sometimes fear fuels those thoughts more. it's like saying to yourself not to think about an elephant, and then that's all you can think about. every time you start worrying just focus on something else and it'll go away. as long as you are still a good person on the outside that's really all that matters, you'll be okay
ReplyMaybe try to learn something new, like baking, sewing
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