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I can relate to what you are saying. Three yrs ago I met someone I didn't know or find attractive when I walked into him, I wasn't paying attention. He came around the corner and was looking at me. I couldn't understand why he was, but then he asked for my name and I told him. He continued to look at me then I remembered the polite thing to do is ask for his name, so I did. For me not remembering your name is normal, feeling anxiety is normal, constantly in a neutral state, in between happy and sad, is normal, and never letting even my close friends know the full me is also normal. But he is different. He said his name and I remembered it, everyone around us disappeared, what felt like an hour of just us was probably two seconds, my anxiety when away, I felt safe, I felt pure happiness wrap around my whole brain, I felt like I could be completely vulnerable and he would never judge me. It felt like he had some innate key that unlocked this fortress I had built my whole life and he walk right through it to "me".
I think about it now and I feel like he's special. I can't forget about him or what happened. I went to a store and through conversation was told that he works there. I started running because of him, he does marathons and triathlons. We both row, he coaches for a high school team here. We also live in neighboring neighborhoods, wtf...
On June 2, I just had this feeling that he would be going to that store that day. I had a feeling he was an on-time person; I don't know how. My dog and I went for a run and there he was looking over towards us. For a visual, the sun was still rising and he was at just the right spot to make it look as if he was producing the light. My initial reaction was, "There he is, it's him! He looks amazing!" Then I was engulfed with fear and quickly turned away from him just like the last day I saw him. After telling my mom that day that I had seen him. I went home and remembered when I first told her about him. She said what happened between us was love at first sight. I believe that love is something that builds over time. Not at the first introduction. She questioned why I wasn't trying to contact him and she had asked if it was because I was scared of being rejected. At that time I said yes, but on June 2 I realized that's not the truth. I turned away from him this time because I was scared he would talk to me and tell me that he liked me too. If I were rejected it would hurt but I would be fine because I've never been in a relationship before. If he reciprocated my feelings, on the other hand, then that is what is scary because I haven't done that before. It's also not like I wouldn't want to be with him if he does feel the same way. I don't know what I should do. I want to talk it over with my therapist but it's going to be a few weeks before that can happen.
All my reasons for not talking to him now are complete crap. I realized that I was always the one that turned away after he tried to start conversations with me. I don't know how to be assertive with him about my feelings. I am terrified of a happy outcome because I've never been made that happy by one person before him nor since him. I hope that if it felt that strongly for me then, it felt that strongly for him too. That he hasn't stopped thinking about me either. Maybe he didn't run after me because I turned away and he thought I gave him the cold shoulder. Or maybe he didn't recognize me because that summer wasn't as memorable to him as it was to me.
I don't know what to do. This fear is paralyzing.
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Sounds like the fear of the unknown. Water could be warm, could be freezing, but you won't know if you don't jump in.
ReplyTest it out with him. Either you ask him directly or look for signs and hints that he actually does like you back. Asking him right away about what he feels towards you, and being perfectly honest with him can also help. But do note that I can't guarantee you a specific outcome, but whatever the result, be ready to accept it. Love can be very confusing at times, and that's okay. If you really like this guy, you're gonna grab every chance you get to be with him and talk to him.
I guess that would be okay, too. Just maintain the friendship you have with him now and see if your feelings for him have changed at all. Maybe try to be more wary of his behavior towards you and others, even the tiniest details could matter.
I don't know what you might get out of all this, but I really hope the best for you. May you find the happiness that you truly deserve and desire the most, and always strive for the better<3
ReplyMy mom never gave great advice, but there was one thing she told me that, looking back, was actually really good. When it comes to dating, just have fun! Don’t let yourself get so wrapped up in the end result that you sabotage the process. Whether you end up as partners, friends, exes, or enemies, just let yourself have fun as you get to know him. I would just ask if he wants to grab a coffee sometime, or something similarly innocuous. The whole point is, you feel this excitement and want to experience something more with this guy. So go do it! Even if it’s just talking to him as he goes into the grocery store. Even if it is just a crush, that’s fun and exciting and new, so let yourself be brave and feel the joy.
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