To the sister of the woman I love.

Hi, you owe me nothing, but I need to ask you to read all of the following, as a small favor, you, and others, may not think I deserve...but I've got to at least try.

I know she considers you her best friend...so I'm reasonably certain she's spoken to you about me. I need to make sure that someone in her circle knows some things that she doesn't know. First, let me say, I have not looked for her since she blocked me. And I will not reach out again. If there is ever again, even minimal contact it will have to be initiated by her.

Now, down to the things I want her to know. This is not meant to change her mind about her choices...I guess, if the situation was reversed, I'd want to know.

I do not think she is aware of why I was saying the things that ended up ending us. I tried to tell her, but she was too hurt to listen, and I was all about making sure she was happy, even at my own expense. The day that ended us, I had gotten an acceptance letter from USC. It was my number one choice for college. My mother had been pressuring me for weeks, to break up with your sister...she said she was too young for me, I had no self control, and I'd end up in jail if I kept going out with her. That wasn't enough though. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Then my mom broke me, sort of...she said, if I ended it, she'd do everything possible to get me to USC, but if I didn't, she wouldn't help me with college at all.

I came up with a plan...I was sure it would work. My biggest concern, was finding a way to make sure your sister never had any reason to resent dating me, and, in my mind, marrying me...I never wanted her to look back and say she hated me because she didn't get to go to homecoming, or prom, since, if I was at USC, I wouldn't be able to fly home for those things. I was trying to pressure her into that, because if she agreed, my mom said she'd let me continue dating her if I could get her to agree...so I told her, it was her choice...agree to go to homecoming and prom without me, or we had to break up...I thought she'd accept the homecoming/prom offer...I was wrong.. That was the worst single day of my life, either before or since!

When I got home, in tears, I told mom she'd gotten her way...Her response was to immediately explain to me, that I wouldn't be able to go to USC in any event...and I'd be on my own for any tuition, room and board, no matter where I went. On that Monday I tried to talk to your sister...I tried several other times at school. I wasn't ready to beg...I tell you that with the crystal clarity of 44 years of 20/20 hindsight, I should have gotten down on my knees, in front if the entire school, and begged her for a second chance! There is more...not a lot...but more. The following year, I spent the weekend of her Junior prom, locked in my dorm room, sobbing...because I wasn't the one dancing with her...a couple of weeks later, I was working at Edstrom Industries while I was on summer break. They were just over in the Waterfird industrial park. After work, about 5 times over the next 8 weeks, I stopped at your house...I was still trying to talk to her. Every time I stopped, no one was home, or at least I never saw, or heard anyone, and no one came to the door. At this point, I was resigned to forever loving someone I'd never get to see again. I'm still not done though...I was home, visiting one weekend, and my mom handed me a copy of the waterford post, with your sister's first wedding announcement...I was totally crushed, then thought to myself this was the universe giving me one last chance...I drove to the church, fully intending to stand and object when given the opportunity. I was there hours ahead of time, parked a bit down, across the street so I could wait for her to arrive. I saw her...she looked so happy, and again, her happiness mattered more to me than my own...I watched until I couldn't see her anymore, then I sat there and cried for about 10 minutes, before I left.

Note, that every dream I could remember after that, was of the life I wasn't giving with your sister...I'd give you details, but this would turn into a full blown novel...

Fast forward to 2015, we reconnected on fb...I was both elated, and heartbroken...elated that I could once again see her....and as I got to reading her posts, _my_ heartbreak started to grow...she was exactly the woman I thought she'd become...the woman I had always wanted by my side...but, at first I convinced myself that I didn't need to tell her any if this, because it could possibly cause her pain...and I still never want to hurt her. Then there was the class of 78 soft reunion, at the church festival. The proximity broke me.. I needed to at least tell her I never stopped loving her...I didn't expect it to change anything.. I still don't...I wanted to do it semi privately, to help shield her husband, and my wife, because, if I wasn't going to change anything, they didn't need to know, but when it was obvious that wasn't going to be possible,I blurted it out...I couldn't help myself. She yelled back at me that,I'd broken her heart...so I tried, many times, on FB, talk to her about it... I just wanted to talk.

Then came the day she disappeared from FB, followed closely by the day she blocked all of my other social media access...

I think she may have been trying to, in some way, be kind to me...after all, out of site, out of mind, right? Nope, not helping...I can't listen to the radio stations I like, because more than 1 in 5 typically has a line or two, that will have me bawling my eyes out...I can't watch most of the TV shows and movies my wife likes, because so many of them are about a couple getting back together, after years apart, and I realize it's not going to happen for me...there won't ever be a happy ending, because your sister won't even let me see her feed anymore.

As I said, I just felt like it wasn't fair, for her, to at least not be aware of these minor, almosts, and intersections of our lives. Given how upset she was at that reunion, I thought there was still something there for her as it was for me...and even with the full knowledge, that I can't go back, and get a do over, and that she won't leave her husband, and I won't leave my wife, I still want her in my life, in some small way, because I do still love her, more than I have ever loved anyone else.

In the end, it's very much like the lyrics from "Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley:

I'm learning to live without you now

But I miss you sometimes

The more I know, the less I understand,

All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again

I've been tryin' to get down

To the heart of the matter

But my will gets weak

And my thoughts seem to scatter

But I think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

Nothing will ever change in my heart...I've loved your sister since to first time I saw her getting off the school bus her freshman year. The day she asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, I saw a future layer out before me, that was incomparable in the love and happiness we shared together, only to have it brutally ripped away from us, by lies my mother told me.

Thanks for hopefully reading to the end. Do with this as you will...only please at least hold onto it, in case you change your mind, and let her see it.