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I have had sex with two men. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m bi and not gay because I don’t want to be gay. If I’m attracted to men then I’m fine. Except both times I’ve had sex I’ve been so repulsed by it that it makes me sick. I’m not attracted to these very attractive guys even though I know I should be. When we are having sex I am only thinking about when it will be over and how I don’t want to be there even though it technically feels good. I have a lot of religious trauma that makes it hard for me to be ok with being into women instead of men no matter how badly I want it. I want to be proud I try so hard to not care and act like it makes no difference as long as I’m happy but I feel gross and dirty and wrong anytime I think about a women in that way no mattter how right it feels. I don’t know what to do to make it ok and be happy with myself. I’ve tried talking with men and hooking up with men and trying to convince myself I’m attracted to men and get all I can think of is women and then I feel like shit. I just want to be ok with myself but when I have sex with men I feel like I’m dirty and wrong and gross but then if I have inappropriate thoughts about women I feel the same way so I’m lost. I just want to be happy. Deep down I know I’m gay but I don’t know how to push past this stage of feeling dirty and ashamed of myself and move on to being proud and out and loving who I am. I just want to be happy. I know that it’s ok to be gay. But for some reason it makes me uncomfortable to think about myself like that. Please help me
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For the feeling uncomfortable with sex part, you could be asexual, or somewhere on that spectrum
Its perfectly normal to be confused about who you're attracted to, i feel attracted to men some day and women others and nbs most of the time. Its hard to always tell
Maybe try talking to a lgbtq+ therapist, or a friend, or even whoever you end up with
There's also so many different sexualitys out there, look it up, talk to ppl online, theres so many amazing things to be discovered about yourself
You don't need to be ashamed for being who you are, loving who you do. You'll figure it out, don't worry :)
ReplyLook, love. The label is to be used. Nothing more. It can be changed, this can be a fluid thing you experience about yourself. I hope you’re okay
ReplyThe important thing is that you understand your body is just a vessel for this journey and you should not abuse it. Hopefully you figure out your orientation soon so you can focus on your goals. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
ReplyYour convinced you like men, yet its a possibility your just straight or even bi. I'm straight and sex seems dirty to me sometimes, because it is a dirty act. Which is part of why traditionally people waited until marriage. Hookup culture in general, leaves a lot of people lost and suffering. You probably feel weird because biologically your body is craving one thing. Yet socially and culturally your told one is bad, and you should be the other. Luckily There's more to life than sexual encounters and if you focus on making yourself as sharp, competent and reliable as possible, then perhaps you will gain a little more confidence in yourself. That should help you across the board, not just in your sex life.
ReplyI was a bit confused about whether you're really attracted to men, or women, or both, as well. Internalised homophobia is a very real thing. I think your feelings of shame are a bit more than that, though. It sounds like it's not just about who you're attracted to, but you have a lot of negative feelings about having sex, in general.
Shame often comes from a very strong feeling of "I SHOULD". "I should be attracted to women", "I should want to have sex", "I shouldn't think about sex at all"... We can tie ourselves in knots trying to conform to these Shoulds. A therapist might be very useful to you in untangling some of these feelings of obligation. Our upbringings can make it very hard to come to terms with ourselves as adults.
Rather than looking for a label, or squeezing yourself into a box (dirty pun not intended, I swear!), perhaps you would find it clearer to focus your attention on yourself? Instead of what "should" feel good... what does feel good? How do you feel about masturbation? How do you want to feel when you're with someone else?
There are all kinds of things that make sex a positive experience - not just a hot partner, but emotional and situational factors, too. Various levels of trust, commitment, safety, stress... can really have an effect on how sexy we feel about ourselves and others. Sex is also not our entire being - having uncomfortable feelings around sex doesn't define us, any more than having uncomfortable thoughts around skydiving, or eating broccoli. We can feel differently at different times in our lives.
Whoever you feel good having sex with, and however you feel good having sex (caveat: consenting adults only) - that is 100% just human nature, and nothing to be ashamed of. And feeling ashamed is nothing to be ashamed of, either.
I hope you'll be able to peel back the layers and find peace with your sexual self. You deserve to feel fulfilled.
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