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Am I Bi or gay?
7 months ago · · I need help, · Explicit
I have had sex with two men. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m bi and not gay because I don’t want to be gay. If I’m attracted to men then I’m fine. Except both times I’ve had sex I’ve been so repulsed by it that it makes me sick. I’m not attracted to these very attractive guys even though I know I should be. When we are having sex I am only thinking about when it will be over and how I don’t want to be there even though it technically feels good. I have a lot of religious trauma that makes it hard for me to be ok with being into women instead of men no matter how badly I want it. I want to be proud I try so hard to not care and act like it makes no difference as long as I’m happy but I feel gross and dirty and wrong anytime I think about a women in that way no mattter how right it feels. I don’t know what to do to make it ok and be happy with myself. I’ve tried talking with men and hooking up with men and trying to convince myself I’m attracted to men and get all I can think of is women and then I feel like shit. I just want to be ok with myself but when I have sex with men I feel like I’m dirty and wrong and gross but then if I have inappropriate thoughts about women I feel the same way so I’m lost. I just want to be happy. Deep down I know I’m gay but I don’t know how to push past this stage of feeling dirty and ashamed of myself and move on to being proud and out and loving who I am. I just want to be happy. I know that it’s ok to be gay. But for some reason it makes me uncomfortable to think about myself like that. Please help me