Beast in the shadow of himself

I am so horrifically hideously ugly, it's gotten to a point that not only are other people disgusted by looking at me, but I am sick and tired of seeing my hideous disgusting face in the mirror. I don't want to kill myself but I cannot live amongst others. I am currently kind of secluded but nowhere near as much as I now desperately desire to be, but the way I now dream of living seems almost impossible and unobtainable due to my lack of survival abilities. I'm lucky rn I have family helping support me. But that won't be forever and nor would I want it to be, but I can't ever go back to living a "normal" life at work interacting with people, I struggled with that anyway even back when I was ok to look at. Now I become an immediate target but people will be very Draconian and 2 faced about it as I have a vibe (and confidence) any man who gives me grief I will stand fave to face and see where it goes. Most people don't want that, they just want to bully and take easy victories. Anyway I don't want to fight, but I have been bullied most of my life for being quiet and different, but I look back at photos of me in my youth and younger adulthood, and there was definitely nothing wrong with my appearance, which was actually the opposite at those times, I was a sweet kid, and a relatively attractive teen/young adult, but through severe depression and repressed anger, my face slowly morphed into this shit I have now, I aged terribly. I never knew just how much appearance rules our fate in this life, until now.

I hope I can figure out a way to move forward and eventually learn how to survive alone. Build a makeshift hut somewhere quiet, secluded, maybe in a poor area of Europe with fertile land, a bag of some seeds, get to know the terrain, find ways to harvest food sources, drinking water, build upon those basics. I would happily live the rest of my days alone, eating and drinking basic, and observing nature.