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the concept of suicide has always been a mystery to me. the idea that someone willingly ends their life in order to succeed that minute of utter silence, when the voices and overwhelming pressuring starts slithering down to utter silence is confusing to me. in that split second they believe that it sets them free. but it doesn't. it just placed that exact pain onto their loved ones. the ones who, over time, start feeling the same. the feeling that there is no escape. the feeling of hopelessness. and I am at that point. when it happened I was six. exactly the same age as my little niece. I couldn't even imagine that six year old girl who's life is consumed with horses, YouTube and her family to change into the little girl who feels so empty that she believes that no one cares if she dissapeared. and that is the one thing that is stopping me. stopping me from stepping forward towards my fate. Now as a 17 year old about to move to university I still feel like that little girl who became so confused that she was no longer able to see her dad anymore. she was so confused as to why everyone was crying around her. but I am no longer confused. when my mum goes on rants about how the love of her life left her behind, I can't comfort her. I can't even look her in the eye. I never knew the man who was supposed to be sitting right next to me, supporting me, protecting me, the man who was supposed to be helping me get over the brunt of a-levels, the man who was supposed to comfort me when I felt alone, the man who was supposed to be sitting right next to me at every parents evening saying how proud he was off me, the man who is supposed to be in a couple of months be the person who is stood next to me helping me move into my uni accommodation, the man who was supposed to watch me grow up. The man never existed, and he never will. sometimes I am angry. sometimes I am hurt. sometimes I am numb. he willingly killed himself. and me as the daughter of the man who left his five kids and wife sat here facing the same fate. the burden he once faced, now belongs to me.
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