Middle School Memories

I used to think about how I might kill myself, if I were to do it.

Every night I was feeling bad and having a hard time falling asleep, which was quite often, I would go through the same list in my head; ways to kill myself, the pros and cons, and how I'd go about it. I almost always thought the same thing for each and I can recall it quite well.

I also have a big problem with fairness, it affected how I thought about suicide and how it would affect others, which for the most part is why I only imagined killing myself brutally, never actually doing it, as it is unfair to cause unnecissary pain to others (when they don't deserve it).

My list went like this;

1. Hanging. Pros - simple, classic. Cons - where to get rope, where to do it. I had a whole run down of where in my house I might be able to hang myself but none were really suitable.

2. Walk into traffic. Pros - easy, possibly quick and maybe painful death. Cons - may not die at all, driver would have to face consequences just because I wanted to die (unfair).

3. Jump. Pros - simple. Cons - how to get on a resonably tall building and then jump.

4. Slash wrists in tub. Pros - drawn out, painful. Cons - will leave a mess (unfair), someone may easily intervene.

5. Overdose/poisoning. Pros - easy, simple. Cons - where to acquire/what to use, someone may easily intervene.

6. Drown. Pros - cruel, possibly simple. Cons - hard to do, someone may easily intervene.

7. Disembowl self. Pros - drawn out, painful, personal favorite. Cons - hard to do, will leave a mess (unfair), where to acquire tools, where to carry out.

Disembowling myself was something I liked to think about vivdly, how I'd make deep incisions along my abdomen and peel the skin back. Grab hold of my wet, pulsing organs and just hold them in my hands, waiting briefly to part from the world. It appealed to me because it would be extremely painful and cruel to myself, which is something I felt (maybe still feel?) I deserved.

I really wanted to cut at the time, after all, my older brother cut and he seemed to be doing great. I got a blade and sat at my desk. I stared at it and contemplated the specifics. Where to place the cut(s?), how deep, what to do after.

I never picked it up.

I was despressed in middle school