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Dear My Mama,
I miss you so. I love you so. No words can capture the emptiness, so why try? Except this is a psychological exercise in writing to the deceased, so strap in.
Oh fuck, how can that be you? How can you have died? But you did. And it almost killed me. It might still. I couldn’t imagine life with you gone. And 3 years in, I still can’t. It doesn’t work.
I miss you like oxygen. Every joke, every life update, every change, I want you to know it. I tell myself you do, cuz heaven and God and all, but sometimes that just isn’t tangible.
I dumped a guy recently. I think you’d have liked the idea of him, then it would go south and you’d bad mouth him and eat ice cream with me. Boys are so dumb.
How are you gone, Mom? That’s what I really want to know. I don’t know how to do this life without you.
And nothing helps. Because what would we discuss with one more day? Nothing. I would just cry and say I love you over and over. And so would you. And that would be a torturous 24 hours, so maybe it’s good we didn’t really know. But there’s really no good way to say goodbye to somebody who means so much.
I had a lady come into work on Mother’s day. I try to take it off, just in case I have to be a wreck. But I was working and she came and in the middle of our conversation she just started crying about her Mom who died twenty years ago. And you had been gone two years. And I cried with her, and I said maybe when you love so big it’s supposed to leave a hole.
And then Shirlee went and died right after you. What is the point of a back up Mom if she dies right after your own Mom does? You two…. I imagine you in a restaurant booth, knowing smiles and kind of laughing at my current angst. But I just want to have a tantrum because it is all so wrong and I probably need a cookie and a juice cup and a nap.
Except now I’m 40 so I get a turkey on wheat with reduced calorie mayo and a diet coke and it’s not the same.
And Dad… just honestly, my goodness. I wish I could introduce you to my father now. He’s not the guy you married. Somehow losing you has sanded off a lot of his edges. I think you rocked his world, too, checking out so soon. We just weren’t any of us ready for you to be gone. He’s got a sadness now, but also an acceptance and maybe even some peace. I don’t know how to describe it. He’s not the Dad I grew up with, but he’s one I’m grateful to have now. We even go fishing sometimes. Songs bring up memories and he tells stories about you, sometimes even ones I don’t know, and it’s like you’re there. Even though let’s be real, you would totally not be there because you hated absolutely everything to do with boats. Silly goose.
Silly Goose, Lilly Goose. I have a photo of us on my bookshelf where I’m like 4 and we’re still in England and you’re saying “No smiling!” to make sure I smiled for the camera. I look at it every day and hear Goosy Goosy Gander and nobody even knows what that means here.
If you could see where I’m at with the river you would never sleep another night. I discovered paddleboarding and I spend as many hours on rivers and lakes as I possibly can. If you were still here, you’d be worried sick. I love it though. It’s a time when I feel close to ME. I’d have tried to drag you out for sure. I brought Kim and she damn near drowned. I wasn’t a very good teacher then but I’ve improved!
I want you to know these things about me because you have always known my heart. You’ve always known ME, inside and outside and up and down and just every way of Lillyness that existed you knew and understood and mostly tried to love.
And that’s the hardest part then, I guess. Having a “Me” that isn’t a “We.” Cuz it always felt like we were a team. And then you went and died. And now I’m just here and trying to live with it and figure out life without you and it hurts and it’s hard and nothing feels right and I just can’t take a proper deep breath anymore.
I’m so grateful having had you. I’m so lost with you gone. You’re still in my head but I’d love to shut you up there and just have a hug and a cuppa and understand the world again.
Missing you deeply,
Loving you muchly,
Your Lil
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