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I’ve started seeing a guy who didn’t have a good reputation when we were in school together and I’m nervous that I’m too close to see the situation clearly.
The rundown is that right before high school I moved from a really poor area of the big city to a small town I’d never heard of before we moved there. It’s full of middle to upper class folk who have almost all known each other since birth, and whose parents have known each other since birth, to give perspective of just how small a town.
When I moved there, I heard that this guy was pro-life, and I had no interest in the drama or interacting with someone who doesn’t believe in human rights. He was a bit obnoxious freshman year, with a loud obsession with wanting to go to a specific college. He’s pegged as a local prodigy, and this got him a lot of attention from other kids because teachers noticed, though the attention wasn’t always positive. I think this town suffers a little from tall poppy syndrome. He and I are extremely alike academically, and I am more broadly talented, but my culture believes in the evil eye. The idea is not to brag because others may not have your best interests at heart and may not wish you well. And I did notice some animosity towards him in this way, not wishing him well because he could get out of town on scholarship, the same way I did. There was also stuff he liked that was deemed uncool, like video games or cards, but I noticed the hypocrisy in it being okay if someone more socially accepted and liked enjoyed it. He was nervous around girls, and word gets around when a guy is awkward and shy, overall not the most eloquent. He was clearly learning more about politics as we got older as his views shifted around much closer to my own and I remember hearing about it, but was still disinterested in speaking with him too much because of the initial impression. I avoided him the entirety of high school except for one instance toward the end of senior year in which he asked me about my younger brother, as they were in the same club.
Through all this, I have a best friend from high school. We’re very similar, in that she transplanted here in the sixth grade from a big city, and share a lot of personal identities. They were best friends until the end of middle school, where they drifted from being able to see each other as much when she opted out of the gifted program. But I do remember them talking occasionally in high school. She recalls me mentioning to her that he didn’t seem to have the best reputation and I didn’t want to interact with him, and her thinking that this wasn’t the guy she knew. The way she remembers him was as a sensitive kid who was picked on a lot because he presented somewhat femininely and had interests deemed feminine, and that it was easy to make him cry because he hated being misunderstood.
She asked me one day in the summer after we graduated if I’d be okay inviting him over, and I agreed. I did grill him honestly. But if he was conservative once, he had changed by then. We’ve had talks since then where he owns up to his past and having been too influenced by his family, before growing into who he is. He’s been to therapy, which I respect greatly. What’s funny is that according to him, he was never pro-life. It was a false rumor tacked onto what I perceived as an already obnoxious persona. It’s been a few summers now since we started this little friend group. It took a while to ramp up, but as of last month we’ve started casually seeing each other. We just started holding hands on a more than a friendly level, talked about how we felt, and started planning dates.
Part of me is still worried that I don’t know him well enough, and worries that maybe other people saw something I missed, maybe it’s a mistake to date this guy. I don’t feel totally relaxed about seeing him. Another part of me just wants to have to have this casual thing with a guy I think maybe I could trust. I don’t know how long this will last, but my family likes him, and he’s been sort of romantic with me. It’s very much a slow dance in a quiet room and tenderly touching my cheek and looking into my eyes with a soft smile. It’s wanting to take romantic walks by the ocean and wanting to hold my hand. He loves to make me smile and it shines through in the way he looks at me when I do smile. He trusts me to do right by him. I still worry though. Both of us struggle with anxiety, and it’s not him making me anxious, but other people. If I get bit, I can’t exactly say I had no warning. I know he’s inexperienced. So far though, he’s wanted nothing more than to treat me right. If anything, he’s shy. He hasn’t had a full blown relationship yet, and some of his experiences blow up in his face, but they’re not all bad. I asked him if he thought we would be poorly. He paused a little and then very sincerely told me that he didn’t think we’d end poorly. I’m general very upfront where he might be a little wishy washy, and that tends to balance us out, so I know we both know the game plan for us seeing each other. I have to trust that he meant it and didn’t just say that to avoid confrontation or so I’d keep seeing him.
But I don’t feel okay having this uncertainty inside of me and continuing to see him. I think I need to be totally sure and confident, especially if a heart gets involved. I fear his already has, and while it’s up to him to communicate to me and I’m not responsible for his emotions, I don’t want to hurt him if I can avoid it. Something that worries me is that I’ve only really seen him interact with others in that group scenario with my best friend, who used to be his best friend. I want to know how he interacts with others. I have two other close friends who don’t particularly like him who grew up with him and might know more about his past, and I plan to ask them about this soon. They don’t know I’m sorta seeing him, and I don’t like that I feel almost a shame about it. I know they wouldn’t exactly approve, but I want to know why. I trust their judgement usually, but I don’t know how to go about asking
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Has your group been out to eat somewhere in public? If so, how’d he treat the staff? Little things like that, is there anything at all that genuinely seems off or is it literally just stuff you’ve heard?
If you’re nervous about the possibility of him being even the slightest bit anti-choice, there’s several precautions you can take.
But yeah see how he is with other people, particularly people that he has some kind of ‘power’ over (e.g the waitstaff thing).
Talk to your other friends, and say that you’ll keep an open mind as long as they do too.
Idk that’s probably what I’d do. I totally understand being cautious.
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