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Yet nothing has happened.
I don't know what happened the other night, but I feel like im... struggling to recover.
I've felt like this before, it's not like its... something I'm not used to, it just. Hasnt been this bad in a while? And well, honestly I mostly blame that on summer. I just, I thought I could do... better for myself this year. I always get this way around this time of year and I dont understand it much, but it scares me when I think about being out of school. I dunno. I'll get a job of course just,, lonely. I already feel so lonely. Does it get better or worse as you age?
I dont quite understand it. A few nights ago it just got,, so bad? For no reason, and then last night was pretty bad too. The first time, I felt so... jealous? And angry, because other people have things I don't. And sometimes I convince myself I dont have them because I dont want them and I could get them if I really, really tried... but I'm starting to wonder if i just really cant. Why does communication have to be so hard? Why do I have to worry so much about it? Why can't i just... live life without feeling this way? I dont know if that sounds like... I dunno, some I am 14 and this is deep kind of thing I just- I'm struggling.
It's such a violent feeling. Not towards anyone but myself, really. I dont know, or well, I do know, it's not like I act on it much. I just used to struggle with those things, having the feeling come back to me is just... it's been a while. And although I know better now than to act on it, it's still a feeling that.. I dont know. It's just bad. It makes me feel bad. I feel bad.
Anyways, that feeling has subsided for now I guess. But last night, man, that was. Something else. Not in the destructive or angry way, I just... broke down, really. I felt so lonely, I felt so worthless and I felt like a waste of everyones time. It was probably just a perpetuated feeling of the other day but hitting me in a different way. I tried to prevent it, but when plans fell through I just started to sob. I couldn't stop, really. I was in and out crying for thirty minutes, I feel like I've been crying for days.
Hell, I'm fighting tears now. Over something so small, over a feeling that shouldnt have so much power over me. I hate myself, as self deprecating as that sounds, i just do. Theres so much of me I wish i could change, but I act like I cant change anything myself and whine and scream and cry about it. I hate that I'm stupid, and cant do good in school, despite how many times my mom tells me I'm gifted just like her. Is that true? I dont think it is. I hate my body, I hate looking at myself and can barely register me as me anymore. I hate how I think, my mind, I'm so mean, and bitter, and angry, just like everything ivebtried so hard not to be.
I just dont feel worthy of anything. I dont feel worthy of eating, I'm in one of those moods again where I eat the bare minimum. But hey, who's surprised about that one? I'm not. I dont feel worthy of sleep, I'm running on sugar most of the time and I'm staying up until 5 and sleeping until 12. Its not like i do much whennim awake either other than sit around. Stranger things has been pulling me out of my slump, or rather- occupying my time, but even at that theres this feeling in theback of my head.
I dont know what I was trying to do with this but. I dong know if I can write anymore. I just wanted to get it out
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It does get better with age. Teenage years can be tough. Your brain right now is more sensitive to all this than your adult brain will be. I'd say, get off all social media. Take a walk outside sometimes. Have some time to be quiet, take deep breaths. And you won't feel better if you're not eating properly because your brain needs fuel, not just sugar. And your brain controls and maintains your mood. Eat a nice meal, drink plenty of water. And do some excersize or just be outside in the quiet, fresh air if you can. You're going to be okay.
Also you can talk to a counsellor at school or outside of school. Talking about it helps.
ReplyIm so sorry! I dont know what to say apart from im sorry that you also have this feeling! We can both get throught this I promise!
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