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I've already had this thought since like what? Junior high? I'm currently on my early final year of university and I think I've finally decided on one thing: Nothing excites me anymore in life.
Travelling? Culinary? Drawing? Chilling around? Being actually useful for other people? Getting into the society? Relationships? Dates? Sex? I've done it all, and while it excites me at first, the excitement is declining over time. I don't know what's wrong with myself. Everything that hurts me doesn't hurt me anymore. I just feel this numb feeling toward everything.
I had an unpleasant childhood so I think that's what started this whole shit. My family ain't the brightest, with my father being abusive toward my mom and my mom being the most stubborn person around. Honestly it's your typical asian household, with your father hitting your mom until she bleeds or some funny shits like that.
But now, it doesn't happen anymore. As far as I look at when I video-called them, they looked happy, along with my sisters too. I am genuinely content with them finally becoming what family actually is instead of fighting and cussing with each other every single moment their eyes meet, and with my having to separate them while my sisters are either crying in panic or just doing something else.
But it still doesn't change me, with my family being happy and all. I still feel this numbness inside, all the time. The only reason I'm still alive is because I have a significant position in my campus. Thus, I planned to die after I step down from my position next year. I was trying to extend it up to 3 years to let people forget about me first, but oh well, I can always die by buying and chugging bottles of vodka and sleeping pills (I've done my research, I just need to press the "buy" button)). I know that life has its own ups and downs, but I don't know.. I'm not eager to see the ups too. I've been in the ups and downs and I just feel nothing.
So yeah I'm just writing this so that I can lift some burden from my chest so I can continue with my work later in the morning, I still put up my smiles with other people, so it's fine, no one will know :)
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Maybe try meditating. Use this not only as a way to decompress & combat stress, but to search deep inside yourself. The answers you seek are often hard to find. But if you don't give up maybe, just maybe you will find the answer you are looking for.
In the world we live in you are expected to be like everyone else in a sense. The same goals, same hobbies ect. The things you mentioned may fall into this category of belonging as well. Travel, culinary, chilling around....even college in a sense. Are those things you want? Or what is expected by society? You will never be happy living by other peoples standards. The only standard that matters is your own. Not happy in your current situation? Change it. You have the power in your life. Don't waste it.
If doing things for yourself doesn't seem to interest you, maybe try volunteering. Something that doesn't benefit you in any way except the positive feeling you get from helping someone. You don't have to change the world to make a difference. If you can help even one person, as far as they are concerned you HAVE changed the world. Best of luck
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