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to J,
i'm still waiting on that letter you were going to send me. when you asked me what my favorite color was, so you could use it. i save every note you send; a birthday card or a stupid post-it. i keep it all, even the hundred notes of pick up lines and sweet nothings you gave me for valentine's day.
i love how everyone thinks we're dating. two people who were always holding hands and sitting too close to just be friends. even though both of us could never date… well, that was until he asked you out. you said no, but then accepted. i know we walked into our whole "platonic relationship" carelessly, and agreed that both of us could date whoever.
if i can be honest, it stung. i was so worried he'd take you away. become a possessive boyfriend. surprisingly, not! we both get along well. even he thought we were dating, and that you confessed to me. it must've hurt him. he suppressed his feelings for you for years. then i come up out of the blue and 'date' you.
still, you're the only one who gets it.
you're the only person who knows how to comfort me. you never yelled at me for crying. never questioned it. just wiped my tears and hugged me. you didn't have to say anything, i didn't want you to. it seemed that i'd always cry when you weren't there.
i love our moments of quietness together. just cuddling and holding hands. our very suspicious, flirty conversations. the pretend jealousy when one of us talks to someone else. i made a photo album of just you. i watch the instagram stories dedicated to us. when i take your clothes and you take my school appliances. texted you all my weird ass dreams, you telling me your borderline horror stories of life. when i played cute cat games on your phone, and you went through my notes.
i miss your warmth. it's been a while since i left the house. when you hugged me from behind and said "mine." when i'd cling to you before class started, ran up to you when it was over. walking you to your homeroom every morning. hugging you always, "kisses" on the forehead and cheek.
do you remember the time i asked you to kiss my lollipop? just to i could eat it right after?
i've spent our nights apart fine. but i've cried quite a bit. but somehow, i feel better when i think of you.
we've been through a lot. we've found out some stuff about each other.
when you joked about having potential kidney problems, or liver issues. i freaked out, googling everything to know about it and how i could save your life if it came to that. you know i would. i felt bad you had to console me, when it was your life on the line. when i found your cuts. i felt my heart rip in half. even if i just got heartbroken that day, that meant nothing when you hurt yourself. standing there by your side, pulling you close and saying anything to soothe you. i don't know if i made you feel any better, but believe me when i say i tried.
when i'm with you, i feel loved.
with you, i am a better person.
i know we're not lovers. i don't want to be. but i want to be there for you. if you'll let me.
i'll never have the guts to tell you. but in a way, after all we've done, i hope you know.
J, drink some water and get some sleep at reasonable hours. don't overdo the chores, clean your wounds before bandages. wash your hair and don't use hand soap to cleanse your face.
i learned how to flip pancakes and make sabao. i also got those spring rolls at that vietnamese restaurant you wanted to try. i'll stop by your house, greet your mom and dad and i can feed you. we can watch heartstopper on my netflix account, so you don't have to use illegal websites anymore. if you want, we can buy all those matching clothes i sent to you. make your boyfriend jealous (just kidding.)
i get to see you in two days at our workshop. be safe until then, J.
sincerely, and i love you,
M
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