Death Can Be A Little Too Intriguing Sometimes

TW: Dark Themes, Death, Death of family members and friends, Contemplating kms, little bit of maybe an obsession with it I don't know, and lightly family in the hospital.

Death Can be a little too intriguing sometimes, Often Death can be glorified. I've learned there are different stages to suicide, it all gets lost inside my mind. Like which one am I tonight? Am I the one running towards it? Am I the one saying I gotta dip? Am I the one sitting down waiting for it? Am I terrified? Am I the one holding the knife? Am I the one shaking hands in the middle of the night? Or Could I be the one with a will to fight? I don't get how there are so many different types. Like am I the one comforting myself? Could I ever contact someone to help? Or will I be the one standing still because maybe I'll realize it's me I'm running from. Right now it's all confusing, told that death is a scary thing, yet it comforts me to think how I'll die? Is it healthy to always think almost every minute when I have nothing occupying me to think about how I could die? Like would it be so blissful to die from a height? Or maybe being tortured? Like I'm not saying it's a good thing but it's just so intriguing and scares me by how it puts a smile on my face to have these random thoughts of death come to my mind. It doesn't when it's someone else, pretty much the opposite effect, i get too emotional when I hear or read about something happening to someone. Only when It's happening to me do I feel like this, Like it makes me almost giddy when it's thoughts of suicide, and more boring/uninterested when it's more likely deaths like old age or a car crash. Like, having someone kill you is intriguing but being the one to do it... That sounds so happy? Like a sad happy? Like it would be horrifying but also freeing but not because you know other people exist and that's not really their walk in the park like "OH THEY DIED??? HA! CALLED IT" Like no one in their right mind would probably say that but like death isn't funny and it isn't cute or something to have a fantasy about, I know that. But like, the only time I kinda feel truly happy is when I'm thinking about death in any way. Like the struggle and pain, I'd go through if death occurred in my life, I've had someone very close die and I've had another take their own life and both struck me to the core and made me feel absolutely horrified. It's just after the first one any little thought here and there became more frequent and I found myself feeling less and less like a person. After the second one, it was almost like I just completely shut down and went numb. I would have killed to feel the overwhelming pain that I tired so hard to get out of, in the moment I would have sold my arm just to feel the want to die so vividly. Like, Both times I wasn't allowed to go to the funerals because they said I was too young but often I wish I got to see them one more time and both times My mother wasn't able to go because she needed to watch me and my sister; I often feel like that was my fault. She wanted to go so desperately. I was in the way. I told her I could watch my sister and that my father would be home but she couldn't because in her words "He wouldn't be able to take care of you two and I can't trust the two of you to not get into an argument where you might get hurt" I didn't understand. I still don't really understand but it's just stuck with me that I was the deciding factor. That because I couldn't get along with him that she had missed out on seeing them one more time. You can't take that back, you just can't. You're not going to dig them up again just because someone missed the funeral. But after everything, Both times I kinda just locked myself in my room and dealed with it. I guess that's when I started having dreams of killing myself, at first it scared me but now I just can't wait for those dreams and can't not look at every day objects and not immediately get a picture of what I could do. It's like sometimes scary but others it's just not happy but for some reason, I feel like or catch myself smiling like it's not funny it's not happy but my mind keeps saying the "but like" and I catch myself going in circles of telling myself everything that's wrong with it, the commonsense of it, and having to debate with thoughts like "but the thrill!" "The overwhelming happiness that'll make you smile so much you won't be able to again" It'll just be glorified in a way, like even in day-to-day life from outside people. I don't know to explain anything, I don't know maybe it's an obsession with the idea of dying!? I have no idea and somedays I think I'm okay with just not knowing and letting my life continue and see which way the wind blows. Will I wake up at night and just decide yep nows the time? Or will I be minding my own business through the day and stumble upon a certain place that could be perfect? I don't know. But All I know is I don't want to feel whatever this nothing but happy is. I don't like this happy, I don't like the strange feeling that it's all okay yet not, I want that feeling that used to scared myself when I would pick up something just to test if I could actually get myself to do it. I just wish I felt the grief again even if I had to die. If the deal was I could feel it again but I'd have to kill myself sure. I mean it's be better if i never existed because no matter how much no one cares or hates me or how much I make people's lives so much worse and how better they'd be without me. They still knew me at one point, they still know me now. I was in their life, I can't just erase that. Even if I died, they are still human, they'd probably still feel something. Even though I crave the feeling it still hurts badly and I don't want them to feel it, maybe they'd only feel it for a little bit or not at all but I couldn't know... So I guess that's really the only thing holding me back. I don't want to hurt those who would be better off because then I'm just moving the pain around. My Nonna is in the hospital right now so I don't think that'd give her the strength to keep going but gosh do I wish I could just detach and do it. only once or twice have I been able to detach but I was just stupid and stopped myself with thinking I needed to explain myself more or that I owed someone something even though they told me I didn't just because I wanted no chance of loose ends. I should have just done it when I could have. It's been months since I was able to fully detach like that. I am so mad at myself for not taking the opportunity. I just want it back. I just want to go. I don't want this. how can I do it, I want to really. I feel like a baby pleading but like imagioine having to plead with your mind to let you kill yourself like don't make me do this pleasffhe. please. Just let me gi. I don't care t. please, just please I'm so done.

I constantly feel like I'm screaming into the void.