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I already made several posts on here but none of them got responses. That’s fine, I’m not expecting anything this time either really. I know that no one else is able to fix me, I’ve gotta do it myself etc etc. I give advice to other people a lot, but am just really struggling with myself right now.
I’ve done nothing all day. So fuckin depressed. Not brushed teeth, or eaten, or drank, or done any of the stuff a human should be doing on a daily basis. And I can acknowledge that I’m hungry, but I won’t eat anything. Nothing seems appetising, nothings worth the effort, and also…I feel fat. I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. It’s not that the food isn’t worth the effort, it’s that ~I’m~ not. Which is so, so stupid. I feel stupid for thinking it, because everyone - everyTHING - deserves to eat. Basic life sustenance shit. But I don’t want to.
I don’t want to stay at this weight. I was trying to bulk up and gain muscle, but working out is horrible and I can’t feasibly look the way I want to anyway, so what’s the point?
I don’t think I’d feel better from losing weight, that wouldn’t be healthy, and it’s not how this works. But I still feel like I HAVE to. I know that there’s never gonna be a day when I look at myself and think ‘that’s enough, you can eat again now’. I’ve been down this road before, I know it’s a dead end.
But now I’m feeling more sick than hungry. Getting beyond it.
Depression is tricky. It takes the positive reinforcement out of everything - if I do eat something, I won’t physically be able to feel good about it. I can acknowledge that it’s the right thing to do, but that doesn’t make it possible.
I don’t have friends. No one else is going to look after me. That’s adult life, it’s normal. Usually I can just give myself permission, be my own best friend, convince myself that things are worth doing because one day I’ll feel better. Therapy isn’t an option, medication may not be either (talked about in more detail in another post).
Usually, I’m enough.
But today, it’s not working.
My teeth were grinding together of their own accord while I wrote this, but as soon as I started thinking about eating something I felt sick. How can a person be this disgusted with themself? There’s no good reason for it, totally irrational, but here we are.
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If you have something small and sugary it might help to stimulate your appetite and make you want more. I am like this sometimes. The best thing to do for me is to watch something and then eat food like popcorn. So it's not like you're just sat thinking about the food, you're watching something and then just snacking on the food.
Also meditation might help you, it helped me in so many ways. Just a 10 minute daily meditation. I recommend looking for 'headpace' meditation on YouTube. The 10 minute ones are good.
Or have a shower and brush your teeth an maybe go outside and take deep breaths. It doesn't matter how slowly you're moving as long as you're moving in positive direction. Don't set too many goals. But a shower and brushing the teeth will help you to feel a bit better immediately.
ReplyYou can't be mentally healthy if you don't go outside for sunlight and fresh air so make sure you do that everyday even if it's one step outside the house to start with
ReplyAlso get of social media. Changed my life.
ReplyIf you don't eat a balanced and healthy diet, you will become ill and being physically ill will make everything worse.
ReplyHey there! How long have you been like this? Seems you're dealing with lot more things than you can handle. First of all depression is tricky I agree. But you need to know that you're not what your depression makes you. You're masked by it rn and once you acknowledge that the real you is sitting in a corner inside you, you'll start to get up by your own. Our minds are never at rest, working 24*7, so it's impossible to control what comes in and goes out and stays within. But what's possible is that what type of content you want to get in. Take this as an example like, you have a room full of things scattered here and there, typical mess. The longer you stay there, the longer you'll feel your energy draining out by just looking at that. So in order to not look at that, you'll go out in other room or for a walk under sun. That's the only way you'll feel at ease and at place. Just by sitting in the room, you can't magically unsee the mess, unless you clean it up (which you can do after you have gained energy) or go out of that room. So for this change of room, you have 2 things as your saviour. First is a bath. It's nothing special, but it'll be very relaxing to feel each drop entering your scalps and soothing your roots and giving your body the much needed attention it deserves. For making a successful bath session for yourself, play some old nostalgic music and just get in. Don't think twice before this. I bet you're gonna have a great time. Once you're fresh, your mind will act on its own as you've given it a change of room now. Believe me, you'll really feel lighter. As for eating, why don't you watch some really nice cooking channels (not mukbangs or challanges, they're a big no for now). There's this really cute grandma and her channel's name is "Cooking with lynja". You'll develop the broken bond with food once your raise your appetite by looking how food is being cooked with love, care and fun. This is a very simple excercise which can really help you. Once you set up mind, you're slowly allowing yourself to feel the hunger and to take food in. I also suggest you to watch and know different stories of food around the world. It really makes a difference how so many cultures treat food and the story behind their cuisines. It'll connect your appetite and mind together. By this you would no longer feel sick to thought of eating something. Basically, it's like watering a drying plant and observing it grow in right direction. And I don't know what you're going through, but I sure know that you deserve the best. You deserve to feel healthy, clean and rich. When we are sad, we listen sad songs, but we should actually do opposite of it and watch how magically the happy songs outweigh the sadness inside you. Maybe I might be sounding too dumb rn, but this really helped me to come out of my depression, to feel sane, to let myself feed and grow. It helped me recover and balance it. I hope you feel better!
If nothing works, just play music and stare in the sky, let your mind wander outside of what you're in rn.
Have a nice day
ReplyI don't know what to say to you that will make feel better. I wish i could give you hug and I really think that you should see a professional. Because everything that you're experiencing are indicators of bigger problems and traumas. These traumas are keeping you from living your life. What I would advise is to be gentle with yourself and know its okay to feel that way, being a human being is a very difficult thing. Also trying to do one thing at a time. When you wake up tomorrow, try to eat something, even if its small. Taste it, and be mindful of the sensation that it gives you. Just take that first bite. And everything else will come.
ReplyIdk if this will work for you but i watched mukbang videos to get back my appetite.... Sorry if this isn't helpful
Reply