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If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
I haven't cut in nearly a year, but recently I've been wanting to. I hate myself. I hate how I'm a problem for everyone. I hate how I cause bad things to happen, yet people still protect and help me. I want to punish myself for being such a burden on kind people. I hate myself. I don't deserve to live when I only bring misfortune to the people who love me. I feel so guilty and ashamed all the time. Why can't people see what a terrible person I am? Why do people get angry at themselves and not me when I've made a mistake that they have to fix?? They should just hurt me.
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There’s a quote I quite like which you may find appropriate.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.
Do you see?
The people around you that are coming to your aid, that are helping you through this difficult period in your life are the ones who have seen you at your best, who love you and care for you. For them to still love you in your worst times is rather beautiful.
You shouldn’t hate yourself, you aren’t a burden. You have made such a positive impact on their lives, they want you back, they want that YOU back.
Be strong, don’t gravitate towards hurting yourself again, it will only hurt you and those who love you.
ReplyIt's absolutely not your fault for feeling such urges. I am four years clean from self-harm and I still have urges to hurt myself and deal with self-loathing pretty often. You're not a burden for suffering, having guilt or dealing with the temptation to hurt yourself. Matter-of-fact, you're not a burden, full-stop.
I am so proud of you for not cutting for nearly a year. It's a difficult thing to achieve. I am also proud of you for admitting that you are not okay right now. Not bottling it in is the right thing to do. It's doubtful that people are 'too nice' to you. Surely you too are a friendly individual who wants what is best for others, like how other people see the best in you! Even if you have made mistakes, know that this is perfectly fine. Every human has made mistakes. Once encountering and overcoming the mistake, you can gain experience to help somebody else prevent from entering into or worsening the same situation. It can be a valuable experience.
Hope you are doing well and safe!
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