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Alpha,
I’m so sorry.
I wish I’d known to give you your last day alive, at home.
I didn’t fully know I was lying to you this morning. You didn’t want to go in the trailer, you were scared, but I said ‘You have nothing to be afraid of, it’s gonna be ok’.
You didn’t understand why every evening, you felt so sick you threw yourself on the ground. You didn’t understand why strange people kept prodding and putting needles in you.
You didn’t understand why you were alone in a moving, rattling box. Why you were handed over to people that smelled of antiseptic and pushed you around and added more needles.
Were you scared when the anaesthetic took effect? I wish I could’ve been there, told you it was gonna be ok, even if it wasn’t.
We were trying to make you better. All of that fear and pain, it was supposed to be worth it.
You were supposed to wake up, a colic-causing lump lighter, and come home.
I’m so sorry.
It was more complicated than we’d thought. They couldn’t do a biopsy or remove it - and I know you’re not gonna understand that, I hardly even get it myself. Suddenly, the option was either to do a much bigger surgery, a bypass, with a small chance of you getting better and a million things that could’ve gone wrong…or to just not let you wake up.
I chose to let you go.
It physically hurts.
I don’t know if the vet thought I’d made the right choice. He almost made it seem 50/50, which doesn’t make sense to me given the words he’d been saying.
Nothing was certain. No one knew anything. They couldn’t do a biopsy. We didn’t know.
Do you know how much I love you? We didn’t do ‘normal’ owner-and-horse stuff, the big events and shows. We were never that competitive, and to be honest I couldn’t afford it (and wouldn’t want to anyway, looks stressful). Yesterday you cantered up to me, slid to a stop and just nuzzled my face with your nose. You would’ve done the same this morning, came cantering out of the trees, but you stopped when you saw that trailer.
I really fucking wish I could’ve brought you home.
You deserved a better ending. You deserved a lazy night in the field with your friends, browsing hedgerows and sleeping amongst the wildflowers. You deserved another sunrise.
I’m so sorry baby.
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he is in save place. I too lost my 2 chickens i loved them dearly. I know i will sound childish or idiotic saying this. But pet is pet no matter how big or small. I cried like hell. I am now left with my parrot. i loved him dearly. I even sometimes have nightmares that something had happened to my parrot and i woke up feeling terrible. But where ever our pets are they are in save haven. Allah is great to take care of them and love them more than us.
ReplyI came to this website over my dog who had been there all my life many years ago. I hope you can take it from someone who has had nearly a decade to sit on it: it isn’t your fault. I hope it can be enough that you loved each other with the time you had
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